MIKE'S THE STUPID NEWS

2012-02-01T17:25:00.000-08:00

THE AIR PIANO MAN: A Chicago man, arrested after cops found him passed out in his SUV surrounded by empty beer cans, treated Cook County’s finest to an air piano session after first doing his business on the jail room floor.

According to the police report, 30 year-old Santa Ana Zuloaga-Campuzano admitted he had consumed eight beers, three shots of tequila and three shots of cognac, but declined to take a breath test, reasoning, quote, “What’s the point, I know I’m drunk.”

Shortly after being hauled in — and while still in handcuffs — Campuzano relieved himself on the floor, then kneeled down, and treated officers to an air piano-accompanied song fest. He’s been charged with driving under the influence and various other traffic offenses.

2012-01-25T17:29:00.000-08:00

SCHOOL CROSSING SIGN OUTSIDE SCHOOL MISSPELLED: These never get old. Outside of Marta Valle High School in Manhattan, city workers recently painted a school crossing warning for motorists. Only they spelled school “s-H-C-o-o-l” …

We’re certainly no strangers to badly worded and misspelled signs ourselves – like this billboard outside a Las Cruces elementary school announcing an upcoming “performace” …

Or this El Paso restaurant’s announcement of their new hire …

See kids, this is why you should stay in ~~shcool~~ … er, school.

2012-01-12T02:56:00.000-08:00

HAMMER TIME: A 62-year old woman in Florida was arrested after she hit her husband in the head with a hammer. Janet Ann Knowles apparently became upset with something the judge had said during the show.

When her husband shushed her, she flipped out and attacked him. Officers responding to the call found the victim holding bloody paper towels to his head.He has cuts and bruises but will be okay.

Coincidently, another Florida woman was arrested last weekend after she too bonked her man in the head with a hammer. That woman was upset because he was watching the Broncos-Steelers game. He’ll also be fine. That reminds me … we’ve got what, four more playoff games this weekend? I’ve got to remember to get more Tostitos. And hide the hammers!!!

2012-01-11T09:46:00.000-08:00

VIRGIN MARY TURNS UP AT A RESTAURANT CALLED HAMBURGER MARY'S: Behold! Another random sighting of the Virgin Mary has occurred. The latest appearance is on a wall at a restaurant in Tampa, appropriately named Hamburger Mary’s.

This one isn’t as clear as the apparition that appeared nightly on an East El Paso home’s rock wall last summer. It definitely has the Mary shape, but no facial features or anything. Check it out below. Do you see it, or are you a heathen? (Click the pic for a larger view)

WTSP/Tampa

2012-01-05T17:29:00.000-08:00

MAN STABS FRIEND FOR NOT KNOWING JAY-Z AND BEYONCE MARRIED:This is why you need to make sure you're up on your pop culture.

Ronald Deaver of Parma, Ohio was hanging out with his friend on New Year’s Eve. As the clock was rolling up on midnight, Ronald and his homie started arguing over Beyonce’s marital status. Ronald was arguing with that Jay-Z was married to Beyonce.

His friend refused to believe him. Things got a little heated, and Deaver ended up knifing him.The friend was rushed to the hospital. Ronald was arrested and charged with felony assault. So in case anyone asks … yes, she is and it’s Jay-Z!

2012-01-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

WOMAN TRIED TO GET OUT OF SHOPLIFTING ARREST BY CLAIMING SHE WAS RUDY FROM ‘THE COSBY SHOW': After Leah Efay Davis got caught shoplifting four purses and four pajamas from a JC Penney in Provo, Utah, she tried to convince the cop she should get a free pass because she played Rudy Huxtable on “The Cosby Show”.

But Leah didn’t just rely on the “don’t you know who I am?” defense. She also claimed she owned the mall that she was in; entitling her to walk off with any items she wanted.

Sadly for her, neither worked and Leah was charged with third-degree felony theft. And because she’d been caught shoplifting before and was banned from the mall, police also charged her with criminal trespassing.

Here’s Leah’s mug shot, alongside a photo of Keshia Knight Pulliam, the real Rudy. While there might be a slight “dayum, girl! What happened to you?” resemblance, it’s not enough for a stay out of jail card. But, we report, you decide …

2012-01-05T16:16:00.000-08:00

DOH! FRENCH CLOTHING LINE FAILS TO NOTICE NAKED MAN IN BACKGROUND OF ONLINE KIDS' BEACH PHOTO: This is why your teacher always told you to check your work.

La Redoute, an upscale clothing line in France, recently posted a photo on their online catalog featuring four little kids in their clothing line having a good ole time on a beach.

The problem was someone didn’t do their job and carefully examine the photo before throwing it up on the web. Hence the FULLY-NUDE dude in the background wasn’t noticed until the photo went viral on Twitter!!! La Redoute posted an apology and removed the photo, but of course we all know the screenshots will last forever!

2012-01-05T15:56:00.000-08:00

VIDEO GETS GRAFFITI STAR ARRESTED: When are kids going to learn that other people can see what they post online? A teenager who smashed car windows and spray-painted walls was busted by Philadelphia police after he left a damning piece of evidence behind.

No, not his fingerprints — a YouTube video!

The clip, which clearly showed the face of the 16-year-old, also showed a group of kids spray painting the letters W and L, shorthand for the local gang Wreck Locals.

To further make things easier for the cops, the kid posted the video under the title “Wreck Locals [F Stuff] Up.” Police say they expect to have the rest of the crew in custody soon.

2012-01-04T09:42:00.000-08:00

LIBRARY SENDS POLICE TO COLLECT OVERDUE BOOKS FROM 5-YEAR-OLD: A Charlton, MA library (outside of Boston) went above and beyond to collect overdue library books from a 5 year-old: they sent a police officer to get them back!

The mother of the five-year old said her daughter burst into tears when police arrived and demanded the two overdue books, and argues that sending a cop to their house was a bit too much. Some town officials — including the police officer — admitted the move might have been a little over the top.

Agreed! What were they going to charge the kid with, possession of an illegal “Curious George” with the intent to read?

JUST ASKING: Did the library go too far or did the mom and daughter act irresponsibly by not returning the books in a timely fashion?

2012-01-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

HOW’D SHE DO THAT???!!!: The woman in this survelliance video posted on Youtube must have thighs of steel to be able to sneak a case of Guinness out of a store between her legs.

Watch as she casually walks over, lifts her dress and scoops up the case between her legs in one smooth motion. Even more amazing is how her walk is virtually unchanged despite having 24 beer cans between her thighs!

There’s no word on whether she was busted afterwards, or where the incident even took place.

2011-12-12T16:11:00.000-08:00

SURVEILLANCE TAPE OUTS SQUIRREL AS PERPETRATOR: Administrators at a Florida school were going nuts trying to find the person behind a false fire alarm that forced the school’s evacuation. It was while they were reviewing the surveillance tape that they discovered who – or rather, what – was behind the deed.

A squirrel had apparently taken up residence in the school’s kitchen and had the run of the place, as proven by the tape, which shows it climbing a wall to get at the alarm, and then pulling it. The critter even appears to glance around as if making sure no one was around to bust him out.

While the animal was trapped and caught, he won’t face any punishment. As the school’s maintenance director noted, “It’s really hard to fine a squirrel, so he got a stern lecture and was released outside.”

2011-12-07T02:53:00.000-08:00

CRIMINAL STUPIDITY:A man in Ohio attempted to steal a police car last week, but couldn’t figure out how to start it. So Peter Theado did what I think any one of us would do – he got on the police radio and called dispatch for help.

He later told the cops who showed up to give him a free ride to jail he wanted to be a cop and was just trying to take the car out on “patrol” to protect the people of his town.

Meanwhile ... Tyechia Lorraine Rembert of Pennsylvania robbed a Burger King drive-through window and then called the restaurant to see if any witnesses saw her license-plate number.

The answer was ‘no’ … but thanks to her curiosity they did get her cell phone number from the call she made. Busted!

2011-12-01T10:22:00.001-08:00

MAN SUING COUPLE HE KIDNAPPED FOR TURNING HIM IN: A Colorado man who’s serving 11 years in prison for kidnapping a newlywed couple is taking his former hostages to court for turning him over to cops!

Jessie Dimmick wants more than $200,000 from the couple because he says they breached an oral contract after promising not to turn him in for the 2009 incident in which he crashed his car into their yard while on the run from police, and then held them at knifepoint.

A report at the time said the couple was able to gain Dimmick’s trust “by eating Cheetos and drinking Dr. Pepper with him while watching the movie Patch Adams” before escaping after he fell asleep. Oh, and if you were wondering where Dimmick found a lawyer dumb enough to take the case … he’s representing himself.

2011-11-14T16:39:00.000-08:00

WOULD YOU SEARCH THROUGH NINE TONS OF GARBAGE FOR WIFE’S RING? ONE FLORIDA MAN DID: Anna McGuinn in Margate, Florida, took off her one-of-a-kind 1.5-carat diamond engagement ring recently and handed it her husband, Brian, who had some trash in his hand at the time. Can you guess what happened next? If you answered he dumped the ring in the trash can along with the trash you’re a winner!

Neither she nor he realized it, though, until the trash had already been taken out and picked up, meaning Anna’s ring was somewhere in the landfill in Pompano Beach, Florida — along with nine tons of garbage!

But we’re talking a 1.5 carat diamond here that was lost due to his carelessness so Brian decided he had to take a shot at finding it if he wanted to live no matter how much stinky trash he had to sift through.

Watch the video to find out how things turned out for Brian …

2011-11-11T02:27:00.001-08:00

THUGGIE DOES THE DOUGIE … GETS BUSTED: A shoplifter in New Jersey was hauled in by cops after someone watched him commit the crime on tape. No, not surveillance tape – a video posted to YouTube.

In the video below, Anthony DiVietro can be seen busting a move in a K-Mart aisle while stuffing T-shirts and other small items into the waistband of his jeans. An employee noticed what he was doing and approached him, but DiVietro was able to get away on foot and no doubt thought he’d gotten away.

Cops, however, posted video of the ‘Dancing Shoplifter’ on YouTube, and not only did it become a viral sensation, attracting over 70,000 views, it was what eventually led to his arrest.

2011-11-07T09:47:00.000-08:00

MUSEUM CLEANING LADY ACCIDENTALLY SCRUBS AWAY PART OF MILLION-DOLLAR SCULPTURE: A housekeeping employee at a German museum earned high marks for thoroughness, but low grades for art savvy after scrubbing a one million dollar piece of art off the museum’s floor because, like most of us, she couldn’t tell the difference between modern art and a mess.

The Ostwall Museum in Dortmund, Germany had a modern-art piece called “When it Starts Dripping From the Ceiling”, which consisted of a bunch of wooden slats over what appeared to be a dried puddle on the floor. Cleaning personnel had been warned to steer clear of the display, but evidently one of them didn’t get the memo, and mopped and mopped until the piece was virtually gone.

The obvious solution would be to have the artist fix it. Unfortunately, he can’t because he DIED in 1997 so replacing it isn’t really an option.

2011-11-02T17:27:00.000-07:00

GHOST SEX: Do you see two ghosts getting it on in the photo below? Dianna Carlisle of Euclid, OH did. She says the randy spirits had the nerve to do the deed right in front of her 4-year old granddaughter, who snapped a photo of the inappropriate ghostly act while playing with her grandmother’s cellphone.

Where are the Ghost Busters when you need them?

2011-10-20T02:35:00.000-07:00

PRISONER GETS PAROLED BUT BORROWED CELL PHONE GETS HIM FIVE MORE YEARS: Dwayne Kennedy has been in prison in California since 1990. Originally for throwing a guy out of a moving car, then later has some extra time tacked on for stabbing a fellow inmate in 1994.

Finally, after more than ten years of being rejected, Kennedy got the word he’d done his time and was going to be paroled. Of course, he was, quote, “overwhelmed and just happy” and obviously wanted to share the news with loved ones. So he borrowed a cell phone from a fellow inmate, and called home to tell his family.

Unfortunately, Dwayne got caught by a guard while he was making calls, and since cell phones are contraband in prison, that meant he violated his parole . . . before even taking one step OUT of prison.

The parole board revoked his parole, and now Dwayne will have to sit in jail for another five years before he can apply for early release again.

2011-10-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

LAS CRUCES WOMAN STABS BOYFRIEND WHO WOULDN'T BUY HER A '40': Look, I love drinking 40s as much as anyone from Las Cruces. I mean, you give me 40 ounces of King Cobra or Colt 45 and I’m not leaving my trailer for a while. But they’re not worth what a Las Crustacean did for one the other day …

After 22-year-old Alexa Monet Rodriguez’s man denied her a 40, Alexa first hit him with a TV tray and a chair, then threw a three-pound weight at his head, and capped it off by throwing a 14-inch knife in his direction.

Alexa was arrested and hit with several charges, including aggravated battery and aggravated assault. Her man was treated for minor injuries and released.

2011-10-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

FLORIDA MAN TRIES TO PASS OFF TACO AS ID: A Florida man who was awoken after being passed out in a drive thru lane answered a police request for his ID by trying to hand them a taco.

Officers approached a passed out Matthew Falkner in his vehicle, which was belching smoke because his foot was jammed on the accelerator as it revved in neutral, and asked him for his ID. Falkner replied “No”. So the deputy asked again. This time Falkner stared, laughed, reached into his Taco Bell bag and handed the deputy a taco.

Although I’m sure they appreciated him thinking outside the bun, deputies informed Falkner they didn’t ask for a taco, they wanted his ID. Matthew shrugged, laughed again, and began trying to eat the taco.

No word on whether it was a Soft Taco, Crunchy Taco, Volcano Taco, or a Double Decker Taco Supreme, or if he was allowed to finish eating the taco. Eventually, Falkner agreed to a Breathalyzer test, which – surprise, surprise – registered more than three times the legal limit.

2011-10-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

CONVENIENCE STORE HOLD UP FAIL: Note to any and all future convenience store robbers: make sure a cop isn’t standing right behind you before demanding cash from the clerk. Otherwise you’ll look every bit as stupid as 21-year-old Stephen Daniel of Snellville, Georgia, does in this video.

After the manager handed Stephen the money, Lieutenant B.W. Brown from the Snellville police - standing right behind him just out of view, grabbed him by the shoulder and placed him under arrest.

2011-10-03T09:39:00.000-07:00

MAN PLOTS FAKE BEAR ATTACK: The Associated Press reports that Clyde Gardner, of Malone, New York, came up with an unusual plan to get revenge his ex-girlfriend: kill a bear, skin it, and then dress up in the carcass and attack her.

Here's the story, as heard on Mike and Tricia Mornings ...

2011-09-29T05:36:00.000-07:00

LACK OF SEX DRIVES WOMAN CRAZY: Cops in Iowa City, Iowa were called in to control a woman who went nuts when her boyfriend refused to share his down there parts with her. Police arrested 28-year-old Melissa Barbara Minarsich after she landed a couple of blows on her boyfriend, then ran outside and ripped a storm down pipe off the house.

According to the arrest report, she told police, “All I want is a piece of ass. Is that too much to ask?” Apparently, yes it is. And this probably won’t surprise you at all: cops said she smelled strongly of alcohol and her speech was slurred.

2011-09-28T02:44:00.000-07:00

PHONY COP BUSTS PHONY ROBBER: A woman who tried to rob a Florida convenience store with a fake gun had that attempt foiled when a clerk summoned his inner fake police!

Wilnelia Caraballo (left)was wearing a clear plastic mask and carrying an "Uzi-type" toy gun when she approached a clerk and demanded cash.

Another clerk who was stocking the cooler at the time sensed the wannabe stick-up gal was a little on the drunkitty-drunk side, and shouted "Palm Bay police, get on the ground!"

Caraballo complied and was held by the unarmed, un-uniformed Kangaroo Express employees until the real cops arrived.

2011-09-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

TEARDROP TATTOOS CAN’T HIDE REAL TEARS & OTHER RECENT FUNNY MUG SHOTS: Getting arrested isn’t fun, but sometimes the resulting mug shots are! Like the one this Florida man arrested for battery and resisting arrest recently took.

Yes, those are teardrop tattoos underneath his very real tears. He’s pretty much lost all his street cred, dontchathink?

2. Laura Morales was busted in El Paso for family violence. She didn’t have to look surprised when the cops showed up. The painted on eyebrows did it for her.

3. Nicholas Fiumetto,19, was one of three guys busted for stealing a 30-pack of Tecate in Covina, California over the weekend. He and his buddies are looking at robbery, assault and resisting arrest charges.

2011-09-23T05:50:00.000-07:00

FIRED UP OVER FAST FOOD: A Kansas City, Missouri, man is in jail today after allegedly threatening a Taco Bell employee with a shotgun.

According to police, Jeremy Combs, got his food at the Taco Bell drive-through window, drove home, and then went back to the restaurant with his shotgun after he realized there were no packets of hot sauce in his bag.

L to R: Combs, Cornett

Meanwhile … A guy in Florida evidently really wanted a Wendy’s cheeseburger, but didn’t want to over exert himself by walking to the fast food restaurant. So, he stole a taxicab.

Macon police found 22-year-old Gene Cornett — and the stolen cab — in a nearby Wendy’s parking lot. Cornett said he found the cab with the keys inside at a vacant lot by his home and took it because he was jonesing for some Wendy’s but didn’t want to walk.

2011-09-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

FACEBOOK FIGHTS CRIME: 22-year-old Juan Gonzales Junior of Greeley, Colorado, recently broke into a woman's house around and stole her laptop, some bling, and her cell phone.

A few hours later, the victim got a Facebook friend request from someone she didn't know; a man named Duce Gonzales, which, it turns out, is Juan's nickname.

Yes, that’s right. The guy who stole her cell phone wanted to friend her. But wait, there’s more! He also started texting one of her friends. From her phone!!! The police were able to use those texts and the Facebook request to locate Juan and arrest him for burglary and theft

2011-09-20T16:58:00.000-07:00

REAL LIFE “WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S”: A couple of Denver dudes went to great lengths to re-enact a Hollywood classic by driving from bar to bar with a dead pal in tow, just like in “Weekend at Bernie’s”. Robert Jeffrey Young and Mark Rubinson were charged with abusing a corpse and identity theft after hitting a handful of hotspots with Jeffrey Jarrett, who’d been dead for an undetermined amount of time.

Young says he found Jarrett dead at his home and couldn’t decide what to do, so he opted for calling Rubinson, and together they loaded the corpse into a car and headed out to get loaded — on Jarrett’s tab, no less. Watch the news video …

2011-09-13T09:32:00.000-07:00

GOOGLE MAPS NUDITY: To make their Street View maps, Google sends specially outfitted cars to cities all across America to take photos. Sometimes, those photos capture people doing all kinds of odd things. (Click the pic to enlarge)

Like the woman in Miami, for example, who was caught on camera standing on the doorstep of her house with nothing but what appears to b a jug of water.

2011-09-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

WHEN CAUGHT GUMBY IS GOING TO THE POKEY: A man wearing a giant Gumby costume tried to rob a 7-Eleven in San Diego, California yesterday. I say tried, because after announcing his intentions, Gumby couldn’t pull out his weapon.

Police are looking for the man who walked in and told the clerk, “This is a robbery.” The clerk thought it was a joke, and told Gumby he had to clean and didn’t have time to mess around. But Gumby wasn’t playing, though. He told the clerk he was serious, then reached into his pocket for a weapon to show just how serious he was. But, alas, the Gumby suit proved to be too cumbersome and he ended up fumbling around for a few minutes without grabbing his weapon.

He eventually left the store, but not before leaving behind 26 cents that had fallen out of his pocket. That’s right: He left the robbery with less money than he started with!!!

2011-09-02T06:53:00.000-07:00

BOMB JOKE BOMBED: A Florida woman was arrested at the Miami airport after playing a dumb joke and causing an evacuation in the process.

Danisa Landaeta took out a pen and paper and drew a picture of a bomb, captioned with the word "BOOM!," then taped it to her traveling companion's suitcase.

Officials spotted the note and raised a red flag, clearing the terminal and moving several planes as a result. Landaeta was arrested on charges of planting a hoax bomb and criminal mischief.

2011-09-01T16:45:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN INFLATABLE DOLLS DON’T DO IT FOR YOU ANYMORE: 32-year-old Edwin Tobergta of White Pine, Tennessee was arrested in Hamilton, Ohio after concerned citizens called the cops about a guy in an alley with his pants around his ankles, doing ungodly things to a pink, inflatable pool raft.

When police got there, Edwin didn’t deny his crime of passion. He told the cops he was, quote, “doing it but only because he has a problem and that he needs help.” His grandmother later concurred saying Edwin, quote, “has…always had a fascination for plastic.”

Although it is not illegal to have relations with pool objects of any color, it is highly inappropriate to do so in public. Tobergta was arrested on a public indecency charge and court ordered to seek mental health services for his freaky fetish.

2011-08-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

THAT’S NOT THE TICKET: A Connecticut man was tasered and arrested last week after repeated complaints that cops were refusing to give him a parking ticket! Michael Andes made several calls to police officers in the town of Shelton to inform them that he’d illegally parked in a handicapped spot and demanded that someone come and issue him a violation.

After repeated calls, officers showed up only to have Andes get all up in their grill because he felt they weren’t doing their jobs. When he refused to calm down, cops used stun guns to subdue him and haul him away. For the record, he got the parking ticket he wanted.

2011-08-26T02:54:00.000-07:00

MAN ROBS BANK THEN RETURNS MONEY WHEN GIRLFRIEND YELLS AT HIM: 36-year-old Otto McNab Jr. robbed a Sugarloaf, Pennsylvania bank Monday while his girlfriend sat waiting outside in the car.

After leaving the bank with $2,262 in cash, he jumped into the car and told his girlfriend to speed off. There was just one problem: he hadn’t told her about his plans to rob the bank, and when she found out what he’d just done she freaked out.

She yelled at him so much that Otto finally got out of the car, went back into the bank, and returned the money. Of course, taking it back won’t change what happened. Otto was still arrested and is being charged with robbery and terroristic threats.

Here’s Otto getting arrested …

2011-08-18T08:55:00.001-07:00

BOTOX BANDIT: A woman who wanted to stiffen her face ended up stiffing the doctor instead! Police in Christchurch, New Zealand are looking for a woman who had work done on her frown lines and crow’s feet totalling $780, then left without paying. Showing no emotion, I’m sure. Hi-Yo!!!

Cops say she gave the clinic a fake name, address and phone number, but not before she …wait for it … posed for a “before-treatment” photo!!!

2011-08-03T02:43:00.000-07:00

OH BABY, WHAT A MESS ... Two British policemen called to rescue a baby trapped alone in a hot car last week did so by breaking out a window -- only to find that they'd just saved a life-like doll.

Victoria Crisofis had bought a "Reborn" doll for her daughter, Chanel,and the girl left it in the passenger seat.

A passerby saw the doll - which is so anatomically correct it even has tiny, little veins - and called the cops, who sprang into action, saving the doll and causing $400 in damage to the car.The police have agreed to pay for the repairs.

MAN CARJACKS POLICE OFFICER THEN TRIES TO BLAME IT ON BATMAN ... A Pittsburgh man who tried to car-jack a vehicle driven by a plain-clothes police officer tried to cover his butt afterwards by blaming it on Batman!

Detective DiGiacomo was tooling around in an unmarked police car looking for a suspect in an assault when 21-year-old Micah Calamosca opened the car door, sat down and told DiGiacomo to get out.

When the undercover cop drew his weapon and indentified himself, Calamosca insisted he was part of the team in town to film the new Batman movie 'The Dark Knight Rises' -- and that the car-jacking was part of the script.

The boys in blue didn't buy it either, and now Calamosca faces charges of robbery of a motor vehicle.

2011-07-29T03:04:00.000-07:00

SYMPATHY PLOY + GUN = BAD IDEA: This past January, 20-year-old Anthony Cardella of Milwaukee was bummed out after his girlfriend had broken up with him, and decided his best course of action to get her back was to play the sympathy card.

His plan: shoot himself a few times and make it look like he’d been attacked by "some bad guys". That, he reasoned, would make the ex feel sorry for him, and he could then turn that sympathy into getting back together.

But Anthony couldn't shoot himself because he's a convicted felon and it's illegal for him to handle firearms. So instead he offered his friend, 24-year-old Michael Wezyk, cash and pain pills to do the deed. Because that would be more legal?

Michael agreed, but instead of shooting Anthony in the back or chest like he'd requested, he shot him once in the arm. That wasn’t good enough for Anthony because he asked Michael to shoot him again. Wezyk told him he was "done", and refused to shoot again.

Long story short, Anthony's story began unraveling at the hospital, and both he and Michael were convicted this week of felonies. And the girl? She never even bothered to visit him.

2011-07-27T02:59:00.000-07:00

CAR EXPLODES AFTER MAN TRIES TO SIPHON GAS USING LEAF BLOWER: Last Thursday, 31-year-old Joseph Williamson of Seminole, Florida walked outside of his home and noticed the gas cap on his girlfriend's 1997 Saturn was open.

For reasons not explained in the police report, he was worried someone had messed with the car and done something like put sugar in the tank.So he decided he’d siphon out the gas and refill the tank with new gas.

But instead of using a hose like most people would, Joseph decided he was going to suck out the gas with an electric leaf blower. Now I'm no chemist, but I do know this: When you're dealing with gasoline and electricity, you have to be careful because you’re one spark away from getting blown up like Wile E. Coyote.

Well, as fate would have it, a spark from the leaf blower *did* ignite the gas tank and the car exploded. Miraculously, Joseph only suffered serious burns to his arms. The car didn’t do as well …

2011-07-22T02:47:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T MIX BUSINESS WITH PLEASURE: Two Georgia men who dialed 911 to report a home invasion were arrested after cops showed up and found a meth lab instead of intruders.

When officers arrived to the residence, Brian Johnson and Brian Austin pointed them in the direction of a back bedroom, where they said the intruders were attempting to escape -- in a boat!

Naturally, the statement aroused the cop’s suspicions so they decided to look around and found evidence the two Brians were manufacturing crystal meth. Said a police spokesperson with the Effingham County Sheriff's Office, “Deputies realized the two men were hallucinating [and] were so high they called 911 on themselves."

2011-07-22T02:46:00.000-07:00

FRIENDS ARRESTED AFTER PRETENDING TO GET ARRESTED: Ryan Letchford and Jeffrey Olsen, two drunks in South Jersey, spotted an empty police van recently, and thought it would be a hoot to break into the vehicle and take pictures of themselves pretending to be in custody.

Imagine their surprise when the van locked behind them, trapping the morons inside. A third drunk friend eventually found the Geniuses but was unable to free them, forcing the buddy to call 911 for help.

The deputy who showed up busted the pair out, then arrested the dumb duo for attempted theft of a motor vehicle, criminal mischief and public drunkenness.

Watch: Constable Shows Where Men Got Locked In

2011-07-20T02:50:00.000-07:00

REAL MAN AND WOMAN OF GENIUS: A Philadelphia woman tried to hire a hitman on her Facebook wall! London Eley posted this bit of incriminating evidence for all her “friends” to see: “I will pay somebody a stack to kill my baby father.”

Some dude named Timothy Bynum was actually dumb enough to take up the offer! He responded to her post with "say no more," "what he look like?" "where he be at," "need dat stack 1st," and "ima mop that bull."

Needless to say, it didn’t take long for the intended target to find out about the plot and go to police. Both Eley and Bynum were arrested. Worst. Murder. For hire. Plot. Ever.

RUB-A-DUB-DUMB: A California man remains in police custody after breaking into an ex-girlfriend's apartment -- and leaving his I-Phone behind in her bathtub. Jason Scott Davis stole jewelry, clothing and personal items from his former girlfriend and evidently put his phone down while grabbing stuff to take.

The officer called to investigate the crime simply dialed Davis's number and pretended to be a Good Samaritan intent on returning the phone. When Davis went to pick it up, he was cuffed and remains behind bars on $50,000 bail.

2011-07-15T02:46:00.000-07:00

PASTAFARIAN: Nico Alm, an atheist living in Austria and who belongs to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, went to court and has won the right to wear a pasta strainer on his head for his driver’s license photo.

The church Alm is a member of is a US-based “faith” whose members call themselves “Pastafarians”.

Vienna, Austria Police spokesman Manfred Reinthaler denies the photo approval has anything to do with religious grounds. “The only criterion for photos in driving license applications is that the whole face must be visible," he explained.

Reinthaler added the license was issued because Alm's face was fully visible in the photo. Either way, Nico looks quite fetching in his DL pic. Check out the end result of the pasta strainer wearing Mr. Alm’s legal battle here.

2011-07-12T18:09:00.000-07:00

NOTE TO SELF ... STOP MAKING NOTES TO SELF: A British man gave new meaning to the term "organized crime" by getting himself arrested by noting his plan to commit armed robbery on his desk calendar.

Back in 2010, Jonathan Ochola scribbled the entry "Go Portsmouth armed robbery happens" on his planner, but later denied having anything to do with the stickup of a bookmaking parlor. Unfortunately for him, he also left his DNA at the scene of the crime.

When presented with the overwhelming evidence at his trial this week, he tried to pin the crime on his accomplice, insisting he was tricked into taking part, but a jury didn't buy it, instead convicting him on all charges.

Here's a copy of the damning calendar entry ...

2011-07-12T18:00:00.000-07:00

Man Goes to Jail after Fighting with Woman about Casey Anthony Verdict: 42 year old Robert Hakimoglu of Melbourne Beach, Florida and a woman he’d just met were having a spirited discussion over the Casey Anthony verdict Saturday night.

Bottom line, he was happy she was found not guilty, the woman not so much. According to the police report, quote, "He agreed with the [jury's] decision and said anybody who didn't agree with it is not an American. And he said he would like to meet [Anthony] and maybe have kids with her."

That infuriated the woman, and the argument soon turned physical with Robert allegedly striking her in the face.

Cops were called, but by the time they got there Robert had already bounced. They found a couple of hours later, though, sleeping in his bedroom at his parents' house. He was charged with battery and resisting arrest without violence.

Well, at least SOMEONE'S going to do time over the Casey Anthony thing.

2011-07-11T04:07:00.001-07:00

GORILLA vs. BANANA - WHO YOU GOT???!!!: A teenager who may or may not still be wearing a banana suit is at large after an unprovoked assault on the gorilla mascot that a Verizon Wireless Center in Strongsville, Ohio employs to promote its store.

Here's how it went down: The gorilla was minding his own business, waving a half-off sign to potential shoppers when, seemingly out of nowhere, a kid dressed as a banana ran out of the bushes and tackled him. After knocking the gorilla mascot to the ground, the banana peeled out on foot with a bunch of four friends.

Brandon Parham, the store’s manager, told Cleveland's Fox 8 the attacking teenager "looked like a Spartan from that movie ’300,’ except he was a banana.” After being tackled, the gorilla was able to pick himself up and continued to wave the sign.

More from Parham in Fox 8′s report below.

2011-07-07T16:46:00.000-07:00

SAUCED AND SPEEDY SENIOR: A senior citizen in Florida led cops on a high-speed chase while driving a three-wheeled cycle ... in his underwear.

68 year-old George Corno was pulled over after police spotted him driving erratically, and topping speeds of 85 miles per hour. He told cops he was speeding away from his home after an argument with his girlfriend.

When asked why he’d had neglected to wear pants, Corno replied he "didn't realize" he'd left them at home, then admitted to being "bombed out of his mind." That admission resulted in a field sobriety test he promptly failed, which led to his arrest on DUI charges.

2011-07-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

BLOW-UP DOLL BURGLAR BUSTED: Justin Dale Little Jim of Woodbridge, Virginia broke into an adult novelty late Tuesday night.

And apparently he wasn’t there to steal anything.

After being alerted to the break in by a concerned citizen, police found Justin in a store closet "attempting sexual relations" with a blow-up love doll. Not HAVING, mind you, ATTEMPTING. Justin was arrested for burglary, grand larceny, and destruction of property.

2011-07-06T04:05:00.000-07:00

WOMAN CAUGHT TRYING TO SMUGGLE HER MAN OUT OF MEXICAN PRISON IN A SUITCASE: It began with a conjugal visit, and ended with a prison break attempt.

Nineteen-year-old Maria del Mar Arjona used the privacy of the conjugal visit room in a Mexican prison to stuff her common law husband Juan Ramirez Tijerina in a suitcase, then attempted to roll him out of prison!!!

Unfortunately for the creative love birds, the bulky suitcase and Maria’s nervous looks made the guards suspicious enough to stop and questioned her. When they looked through the suitcase, here’s what they found …

The contortionist con was returned to his cell, and del Mar Arjona was arrested. You've got to love a woman this loyal. She stays with you while you're in prison, shows up for conjugal visits and risks prison time to try to help you escape. We should all be so lucky.

2011-07-05T09:24:00.000-07:00

FIREFIGHTERS RESCUED KITTEN FROM A PIPE USING LEAF BLOWER: A kitten, who firefighters named Piper after the incident, fell and got trapped in a small pipe at a Redding, California fire station.

Firefighters rescued the kitty by using a leaf blower to blow it out of the pipe! (It pops out of the pipe at around the: 39 mark) …

I’m not sure whether to applaud their ingenuity, be concerned by the manner in which it was saved, or be impressed by how high it flew!

Click here to watch it fly out again and again.

2011-06-27T17:20:00.000-07:00

Massachusetts City Employee Caught Stealing Toilet Paper By Hiding Rolls Between His Buttocks: David Pinkham of Lawrence, Massachusetts was busted for stealing toilet paper late last week.

An employee at Lawrence City Hall, David was caught on a security camera walking out of City Hall with around 20 rolls of toilet paper.

And police later found out that wasn’t the only toilet paper he was carrying.

According to their report, when Pinkham was questioned he admitted he'd been stealing toilet paper, and then, quote, "pulled six tightly-folded toilet paper rolls from his buttocks and groin area." He's been charged with larceny over $250.

2011-06-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Miss USA Contestant Gives Dumb Answer - Actually Uses Word ‘Theirselves’: Miss California Alyssa Campanella was crowned Miss USA Sunday night in Las Vegas. Yay for her, but the real stand-out was Miss Alabama, Madeline Mitchell.

Ms. Mitchell wants to be an elementary school teacher, but during one of the final questions posed to her, she actually used the made up word "theirselves." Then added this gem: "As Miss USA, I would be a great Miss USA as well."

LISTEN

As dumb as that sounded, the All-Time Dumbest Answer to a pageant question - hands down- came from out of the mouth of Miss Teen USA South Carolina in 2007 ...

And here it is, again, with subtitles ...

2011-06-16T09:03:00.000-07:00

Restaurant Got Her Order Wrong So Woman Calls 911: A woman in Savannah, Georgia called 911 because a Chinese restaurant got her order wrong and wouldn't refund her money ...
LISTEN NOW

Police officers were eventually dispatched to the restaurant because the caller was getting disorderly.

Witnesses say she was yelling at the people who worked there, "Y'all need to stop talking like that, 'cause I don't like it. You either talk English, or don't talk at all in front of me." While the woman was not arrested, they are considering 911 abuse charges.

2011-06-13T18:47:00.000-07:00

MIAMI HERALD DOH!: Seems someone didn't watch last night's Mavericks - Heat game ...

For the uninformed, Dallas defeated Miami last night to take the series 4 games to 2 and win it's first ever NBA Championship.

LISTEN NOW - AS HEARD ON MIKE&TRICIA MORNINGS: The Mavericks Are The Champions

2011-06-09T02:58:00.001-07:00

Man Assualts Homeowner with Dead Weasal ... In Washington State, a man is accused of assaulting another man with a weasel. Yes, I said weasal. Police say the man, carrying a DEAD weasel, burst into the home of another man looking for his girlfriend.

When the homeowner asked the obvious question, ‘Why are you carrying a dead weasel?’, the intruder said, ‘It’s not – it’s a marten’. And then punched the man in the nose and took off.

So what's the difference? Don't look at me! I'm not well versed on varmits but I can tell you they're both equally adorable.

SWAT Team Kicks Down Front Door to Collect on Student Loan ... A Stockton, California man alleges a SWAT team broke down his front door, pulled him out in his underwear in front of his kids, then cuffed and stuffed him into the back of a government vehicle and continued searching his house for six hours.

The reason? His estranged wife had defaulted on her student loan payments, and the U.S. Department of Education apparently sent the heavily armed squad in to collect. Man, what will they do if you don't turn in a library book on time, send in SEAL Team Six???!!!

2011-06-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

A Man Names His Boat the 'Titanic Two' And It Promptly Sinks ... Mark Wilkinson of Birmingham, England, bought a small cruising boat recently and thought naming it the Titanic Two sounded like a great idea. So he did.

And wouldn’t you know it, during one of his first trips out on the water it promptly SANK.

Apparently it sprung a major leak in the hull – not caused by an iceberg, by the way - and went down. Mark had to abandon ship but was able to swim to shore.

Thief Breaks Into Car and Steals a Bag Full of Anti-Crime Pamphlets ... An unidentified man broke into a car in Palm Bay, Florida the other day and stole a carry-on luggage bag from inside. Unbeknownst to him at the time, the suitcase contained anti-crime pamphlets and literature.

The car and the materials in the suitcase belonged to a woman who works for a nonprofit that tries to keep at risk teens out of jail so all the thief really got were articles about people in prison, letters from prisoners, and stories about people in prison. Perhaps God is trying to tell the thief something?

2011-06-06T16:43:00.000-07:00

Hypnotist Knocks Himself Out During a Show Leaving Three People Stuck in a Trance ... Entertainment hypnotist David Days was giving a show in England when he tripped walking through the crowd, hit his head and knocked himself unconscious. Problem was, he had three members of the audience on stage at the time – in a hypnotic trance!!!

People in the audience thought it was part of the show and laughed and applauded, but were soon asked to leave the theater while paramedics tried to reviving Days. The volunteers, meanwhile, remained on stage unable to more without his command. Paramedics were able to eventually resuscitate him, and Days was able to pull himself together long enough to break the people out of their trances.

Man, they're so lucky they're not still walking around thinking they're chickens!

Woman Charged With Her Sixth DUI Shows Up to Court Drunk ... Sandra Uher of Elgin, Illinois was scheduled to appear in court for a hearing concerning her SIXTH DUI arrest since 1997. This last time she was busted, she was out on bail and driving on a suspended license. Oh, and she blew a .30 on the breathalyzer!!! That’s FOUR TIMES the legal limit, Skippy!

Sandra not only showed up for court, she showed up for court DRUNK. If she was hoping for leniency from the judge she can forget about it now. Her latest escaped could get her up to 30 years in prison.

Man Goes Through Trouble of Carving Giant Hole in Wall So He Can Steal 12 Beers ... Rui J. Rua of Bridgeport, Connecticut went to all the trouble of carving a giant hole in the wall of a deli just so he could steal 12 beers. That's it. 12 beers. Although he did manage to get away, police found him a few minutes later sitting in his car with a large chisel, a hand saw, and half a beer in his hand.

2011-06-02T16:51:00.000-07:00

Police in Florida Able to Figure out Who Bit a Man Because Most of the Suspects Did Not Have Teeth ... Tina Gonzales of East Naples, Florida was throwing a birthday party for her son over the Memorial Day weekend, and - like a lot kids birthday parties - the kids ate cake and the adults got hammered.

For some unexplained reason, one of Tina's neighbors got into an argument with one of the party-goers, which led to someone from the party biting him.

Cops were called, but no one would own up to doing the deed. Eventually, through a bit of detective work they were able to pin it on Tina.

How, you ask? The police determined none of the other adults had enough teeth to make the bite pattern in the neighbor's arm!!! Most, the report stated, had no teeth. Only Tina had enough. Case closed.

2011-05-24T03:02:00.000-07:00

Man Goes To Rob a Bank But Pulls Hood Down To Comply With the Bank's "No Hoods" Policy ... And unidentified man in Columbus, Ohio went into a PNC Bank branch intent on robbing the place. As he was walking in, a bank employee informed him that he'd have to put his hood down as the bank has a "no hats, no hoods" policy and, if he didn't comply, he'd have to leave.

Rather than seizing that moment and doing what he was there to do right then and there, the guy pulled his hood down, THEN robbed the bank. He got away with an undetermined amount of money, but police in Columbus say that the FBI already has a tip on who the robber is, thanks to the security camera footage.

Man Arrested For Stealing Bud Light Was Trying To "Score Some Women" ... 20-year-old Anthony Hernandez of Port St. Lucie, Florida was on a mission to, quote, "score some women” last week, but first figuered he had to impress them. His plan? Steal some beer first. Chicks dig that, right?

So Anthony went to a 7-Eleven and stole an 18-pack of Bud Light. The second part of his plan was to pick up any willing ladies in his Dodge Neon. Unfortunately, before he could find any women who would even want to drink Bud Light cans in the back of a Neon, he got a flat tire.

Even more unfortunate for Anthony, the clerk at the 7-Eleven had called the cops about a dude making a beer run on them in the Neon, so they were on the lookout for him, and spotted him changing his tire by the side of the road. It was while being questioned that Hernandez told the cops he'd stolen the beer to, quote, "score some women." He was arrested for retail theft.

Butt-head Butt-dials ... A Georgia man was arrested on narcotics charges after he accidentally butt-dialed 911 while making a drug deal.

The unidentified 18-year-old - an employee at the Waffle House the drug deal was going down in - was trying to unload prescription pain pills when he accidentally dialed the number. 911 Dispatchers listened in on the details of the deal, and then sent the arresting officers to break it up.

2011-05-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

Woman Arrested Trying to Trade Olive Garden Salad for Cocaine ... A 33-year-old unidentified Salt Lake City, Utah, woman approached an undercover officer trying to buy some cocaine after having dined at the Olive Garden.

The woman wanted ten bucks worth but only had $2 on her, so she offered the cop the cash plus her leftover Olive Garden salad!!! Olive Garden makes a delicious salad, for sure, but I'm not sure it's THAT good. The undercover cop evidently agreed because he was not impressed with her offer.

So she sweetened the deal. She promised to come back later with more money AND some Olive Garden gift cards if he’d hook her up right there and then. That amazing offer failed to impress as well and the cop placed her under arrest instead.

A Sears Employee Steals Boots, Arrested When He Wears Them Next Day ... An 18-year-old employee at a Sears in DeSoto County, Florida was busted for stealing a pair of boots from the store. And he was busted because he wore them to work … the very next day!!!

His supervisor apparently became suspicious when he showed up sportin’ the new footwear, so he checked the surveillance tape and found footage of the unidentified employee stealing the boots. The supervisor called the cops and the 18 year old was arrested for retail theft. I know employee theft is a big problem, but Sears should be more upset they hired someone this stupid.

2011-05-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Drunk Man Mistakes Cigarettes for Cell Phone ... A Russian man pulled over for drunk driving tried to avoid arrest by pretending to make a call to a friend he said was connected and could get the charges dropped.

He was so drunk, though, he pulled out a cigarette pack and began talking into that -- instead of his cell-phone. At first, the unidentified man pretended his hand was a cell phone and began yakking away.

When he finally realized his hand does not have any sort of 3capability, he reached into his pocket and scooped out the pack of cigarettes ...

Eventually, the drunk wrapped up his pseudo-conversation by telling the imaginary person on the line to “just deal with the situation.” He then hung up his cigarette pack and promptly passed out.

Israeli Couple Names Their Baby After the Facebook ‘Thumbs Up’... Lior and Vardit Adler of Israel have named their new baby girl "Like." As in the Facebook "Like" button you and I use to give someones post the "thumbs up".

Lior says his first two daughters are named after the Hebrew words for Honey and Pie, and he and Vardit wanted something even more unique for their third. Lior adds he only has 120 Facebook friends, and so far only fifty of them “Like” Like.

2011-05-12T03:13:00.000-07:00

Drunk Driver Crashes Into a Pole Because She Made #2 In Her Pants ... Police in Sebastian, Florida got a call recently about a driver who'd just slammed her car into a pole. Upon arriving at the scene, they found 50-year-old Sheila Ann Keatings.

This is where I must warn you: you CANNOT un-read what you’re about to read, if you choose to read further!!!

Sheila was standing next to her car with her shorts and chones around her ankles, and a trail of doody leading from the driver's seat to where she was standing. The cops were not only disgusted, but curious, so they asked. She admitted she'd been drinking and, as she headed home, could no longer wait to … how should I put this? … Drop a deuce.

The stains on the driver’ seat were from where she started the job. The shorts and chones around her ankle were because she got out to finish the job after crashing into the pole.

Let's Talk About Sex ... Researchers at Ohio State University wanted to know how much young adults thought about sex on a daily basis, so they gave tally sheets to college students and asked them to write down every time the thought crossed their mind.

What they found was that college age men don’t think about sex every seven seconds like the old myth suggests. But they do think about sex an average of once an hour. Surprisingly – they found young men think about food and sleeping almost as much as sex. Then you get to be my age and you think about food and sleeping during sex!!! Hi-Yo!!! No, YOU shut up!!!

An Iowa woman due in court for her shoplifting trial, made sure to warn a policeman to hurry up and write her a ticket – as he was questioning her for allegedly shoplifting lip gloss!

Police were called to a Super Saver in Council Bluff, Iowa by a store clerk who told them he had seen her stuff some items into her purse. As she was being questioned by police, the as yet unidentified woman got a little snippy, telling the cop to hurry up and “get her ticket.”

The officer asked why she was in such a rush. She replied she didn’t want to be late for court. When the officer asked her why she had court, the woman paused, and then admitted it was for shoplifting.

2011-05-11T02:54:00.000-07:00

Woman Arrested For Crashing Car While Shaving Private Parts ... A Florida woman is in police custody after officers say she plowed into the back of a pick-up truck going 45 miles an hour. They suspect she had a slower reaction time than most because she was shaving her bikini area at the time of the accident.

Upon questioning, Megan Mariah Barnes admitted to police she was on her way to Key West, Florida to meet up with her boyfriend and wanted to be “ready.” Luckily no one was hurt in the accident … but it was a close shave! Hi-Yo!!!

Man Escapes from Police Then Gets Caught At Home Depot Trying To Remove Handcuffs ... Police in Pensacola, Florida arrested an as yet unidentified man for battery after he got into a fight Sunday morning. He was handcuffed and taken to the hospital to be treated for injuries.

It was there at the hospital that he somehow managed to escape despite still being handcuffed. He was re-arrested about an hour later after police got a call from employees at a nearby Home Depot that there was a guy in handcuffs trying to buy at a tool to remove them.

2011-05-10T06:57:00.000-07:00

The Mug Shot of the Day ... Here's one that has to be seen to believe. Robert Norton Kennedy of Horry County, South Carolina was arrested for assault and battery over the weekend. Check out the tatt on his melon ...

(--It reads, "With God, all things are possible. God loves you. Please forgive me if I say or do anything stupid. Thank you." )

Man Gets in Knife fight with Pet Cat, Has To Be Airlifted To Hospital ... Details are sketchy still on this one, but here’s what we know: A man in Cleveland, Texas got into a fight with his pet cat that escalated into a knife fight. Yes, you read correctly. The man actually pulled a KNIFE on the cat!!!

It didn’t turn out in the cat’s favor as it later had to be put down, but the unidentified man didn’t exactly escape unscathed, either. The cat injured him so severely he had to be AIRLIFTED to a hospital in Houston. No word on what would could possibly spark a to-the-death fight between a man and his pet cat.

2011-05-06T02:57:00.000-07:00

Burglars Busted When One of Them Pocket Dials 911 ... Ronald Euson, his brother Thomas Euson, and their cousin Allen Euson were driving around Clay, New York, robbing businesses and planning more. As they talked about what they'd just stolen and what they were planning to steal, one of them pocket dialed 911. Doh!!!

Cops listened in for a while, located their whereabouts, and pulled them over. They found some stolen tools in the ca,r and now all three are facing felony charges of grand larceny and criminal possession of stolen property.

Man Asks a Cop If Cop Has Ever Arrested Him. Cops Finds out He Has Warrant, Arrests Him ... David Williams of Surprise, Arizona LITERALLY asked to be caught. Last week, David spotted an officer in front of a convenience store, and for reasons known only to the criminal mind, asked the cop, quote, "Have you ever arrested me before?"

The officer told David he didn't think he had, but he'd run David's name through the system and check. That’s when he found David had an outstanding warrant on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon.

2011-05-05T02:42:00.000-07:00

Florida Woman Busted for Hiding Knives in Hoo-Ha and Fat Rolls ... Gloria Esther Perez was arrested in Ft. Myers, Florida after cops responded to a call that two women were fighting.

Perez started acting suspiciously while being questioned, so the police took her to the station for a complete pat-down.

Police found two knives on the her. One insider her…ah, Va-Jay Jay…and another hidden in her belly fat flaps. They also found over 100 prescription pills in her fat rolls!!! Wow. Maybe that's where we should've buried bin Laden.

Sadly, her mug shot, (upper left), is only from the neck up.

Man Attacks Cops With Weed Whacker ... A New Jersey man guy who tried to return a defective weed whacker to a Sears store but was told the lawn and garden section was already closed for the night and he’d have to come back the next day, got a tad upset and started shouting at employees.

They weren't having any of it and called police. When the cops arrived, they attempted to escort Gary Burke out and that's when he attacked the officers with the weed whacker!

He was arrested for aggravated assault and unlawful possession of a weapon – in the case – the weed whacker. Of course this is not the first story we’ve ever heard about people in New Jersey getting whacked. WEED whacked, yeah, but not whacked. Hi-Yo! Mafia humor. It's a classic for a reason!

The Air Sex Championships ... Milwaukee will be the site this weekend for an Air Sex World Championship Qualifier. What's 'Air Sex' you're asking yourself. Well, you’ve heard of air guitar, right?

It’s the same idea – but fully-clothed contestants take the stage and show off their best simulated sex moves. Really. You can check out some photos here and their website here.

The winner goes to the World Championships of Air Sex in Austin, Texas.

2011-05-05T02:41:00.000-07:00

Man Who Pledged Not To Shave Until Bin Laden Caught Finally Got To Shave ... Gary Weddle -- a science teacher at Ephrata Middle School in Ephrata, Washington -- vowed to his students on September 11th, 2001 that he would never shave his face again until OSAMA BIN LADEN was caught.

And true to his word, he kept his vow. Monday, one day after PRESIDENT OBAMA'S announcement, and 3,454 days after his declaration he finally shaved his beard off. And it's a good thing too because, ironically, he was starting to look like bin Laden!

Gary says people would constantly tell him bin Laden was probably dead and we didn't realize it, or he was alive and we'd never find him, or that he'd die and his body would never be recovered, and through it all he was willing to never shave again for the rest of his life out of his spirit of faith and patriotism!!! USA!!! USA!!! Check out the before and after ...

2011-05-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Pants On the Ground, Beer On the Parking Lot ... A Florida man running out of a convenience store with stolen beer lost his pants in the process. The beer bandit's pants came down after he tripped in the parking lot and landed face first on the pavement.

Along with his pants, the guy lost his cans of Bud Light in the fall, but managed to get into a Chevy Malibu and take off. And here's the best part: The whole thing was caught on surveillance tape!!!

"This video cracks me up," said Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said. "I can't get the song lyrics out of my head, 'Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground.'"

Two Men Try To Steal a Another Man's Wallet But Can't Thanks to His Super Tight Pants ... Here’s ANOTHER item to add to the pro-tight pants list. They FIGHT CRIME. I’ll explain: Last week, a 24-year-old man walking home in Hoboken, New Jersey was accosted by two men who tried to jack him at gunpoint.

But all they were able to steal was his cell phone because the guy’s pants were SO TIGHT they would-be thieves couldn't get it out. The cops are still looking for the cell phone thieves.

Credit Card Thief Busted After He Calls Companies To Make Sure Cards Active ... Angel Roman of Allentown, Pennsylvania steals credit cards for a living so he knows you'd better use it before your victim realizes it's gone and cancels it. Maybe that’s why when he stole several credit cards from his neighbor, Jessica Hernandez, he became worried she’d cancel the cards.

So Angel did what any Real Man of Genius in such a situation would do: he called up the credit card companies and asked if the cards were still active.

When the police were investigating the $7,400 worth of purchases he ran up, they found out about those calls, and matched the number to his cell phone. Angel was arrested and charged with burglary, criminal trespassing, theft by deception, receiving stolen property, forgery, and access device fraud.

2011-04-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

Mailman Photographed Pooping In Someone's Bushes ... A Portland, Oregon, mailman has been suspended after he was photographed POOPING in someone's bushes on his route.

Don Derfler - the home owner - was waiting for his babysitter, when he looked out the window and saw the postal worker acting strange in front of a neighbor's house.

Don took out his camera just in time to catch the mailman squat near some bushes and start doing his dirty business.

When the postal worker pulled up his trousers and move on, Don went over and took photos of the evidence!!! He later showed the photos to the neighbor whose bushes had been pooped on, and that neighbor called the Postal Service. The mailman has been suspended pending an investigation.

Man Stabs Friend Over Mike Tyson ... A teacher from Tyumen, Russia named Nikolai Makeyev was hanging out in his apartment drinking and talking boxing with a couple of friends recently when things turned ugly fast. Nikolai stated that Mike Tyson was the greatest boxer ever. His two friends started strongly disagreed arguing the KLITSCHKO brothers are better.

L to R: Tyson, Wladimir, Vitali Klitschko (Getty Images)

(The Klitschkos are heavyweight boxers from the Ukraine experts agree pound for pound, the best heavyweights in the business right now. One of them - Wladimir, is dating HAYDEN PANETTIERE.)

When Nikolai wouldn't back down, his friends accused him of being UNPATRIOTIC since he kept saying that Mike Tyson, an American, could beat his fellow country men. Well, them was fighting words and Nikolai ended up STABBING one of his friends. The other one was able to get away.

2011-04-15T03:26:00.000-07:00

ANCIENT LANGUAGE MAY DIE OUT BECAUSE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO STILL SPEAK IT REFUSE TO SPEAK TO EACH OTHER ... There's an ancient language in southeast Mexico called Ayapaneco, and according to a linguistic anthropologist, there are only TWO people left in the world fluent in it.

But they hate each other so much; they REFUSE TO SPEAK to one another. Consequently, no one is conversing in Ayapaneco, putting the language at risk of extinction.

The men, 75-year-old Manuel Segovia and 69-year-old Isidro Velazquez, live less than a mile apart, and have, quote, "never really enjoyed each other's company." A linguistic anthropologist from Indiana University, who's been meeting with them, says that’s not the only problem: they also won't teach anyone new the language.

Manuel, the 75 year old

Manuel – the 75 year old - has tried in the past but apparently he's, quote, "a little prickly" and gets frustrated when people don't pick things up quickly. Isidro doesn't like to leave his house and doesn't want to bother teaching anyone.

Linguists have been trying to compile some sort of record of the language while both of the men are still alive, but it looks more and more like their feud and stubbornness will kill off their language.

IS THAT A DYE PACK IN YOU PANTS OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME? A man – as yet unidentified – held up the Bank of America in Winter Park, Florida, earlier this week. Along with the cash, the teller slipped an exploding dye pack into the bag.

As he was leaving the bank, the man found the dye pack, carefully took it out, and put it in his pocket. But as he ran off, the pack exploded leaving a huge dye stain all over his pants.

The blast was even strong enough to INJURE the guy, forcing him to limp into an Italian restaurant to try to recover. Employees called the police, who caught up with the Genius less than a block away.

MASSEUSE BUSTED FOR PROSTITUTION AND HER NAME IS QUITE FITTING … Police in Columbus, Georgia recently ran an undercover sting at a few shady massage parlors, trying to catch masseuses offering – how should we say? - wonderful extra ways to end their services.

At one of the places, they busted a masseuse who told the undercover cop she'd perform on him for $100, or have sex with him for $200. And that masseuse's name? HO SUK KIM!!! Yes, sometimes the comedy writes itself.

MAN ARRESTED AFTER HE FREAKS OUT OVER A MARKER CAP ... Police were recently called to a Fort Walton Beach, Florida nightclub after as yet unidentified man started making a disturbance. The cops asked him to leave, but he said he wouldn't until the club gave him back two things of his they'd confiscated: a bull whip and the cap to a dry-erase marker. Not the marker itself. Just the cap.

The club gave him back the whip, but couldn't find the cap to his marker. That’s when the dude freaked out! He told the cops he was a sniper with the Marines and he'd kill them. He again refused to leave the club, so they handcuffed him and put him in the back of a police van, whereupon he proceded to kick out the windows. They then took him out of the van to shackle his legs, and he responded by running headfirst into the side of the van. Repeatedly.

He was eventually subdued, and has been charged with trespassing, criminal mischief property damage, and resisting an officer. Yes, all that over the CAP to a dry-erase marker.

2011-04-07T19:13:00.000-07:00

Drunken Woman Takes Off Her Clothes To Fool Police Dogs. Doesn't Work ... Angela Ferranti of Port St. Lucie, Florida got behind the wheel after getting her drink on and promptly crashed into the median.

She and her passenger both fled the scene, but only Angela came up with a brilliant idea. Ok, an idea that SEEMS brilliant when you've been drinking drunk and just ran from the scene of an accident. Angela figured the Po-Po would send a K-9 unit to hunt her down, and wanted to make sure they wouldn’t be able to follow her scent. So she STRIPPED DOWN to her bra and undies, and kept running.

Taken after putting clothes on

Unfortunately for Angela, police dogs can't be fooled as easily as in movies and one named Kilo tracked her down, hiding in the woods, mostly naked. She was arrested for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. They also found a pipe with some marijuana residue in it in her car, so she was also busted for possession of drug paraphernalia.

Thank God It's Thursday ... If you've ever wondered just how LITTLE attention the government pays its employees, here's your answer:

64-year-old Howard Dean was the director of the New York Department of Corrections Food Production Center, and didn't like working Fridays so he simply stopped showing up to work on Fridays.

He took off every single Friday from 1993 until the day he retired. And how long do you think it took for that to happen? Would you believe fifteen years?

All told, his illegal day off was worth about $230,000 of the taxpayers' money. Dean also reported $205,000 in travel reimbursements for trips he never took, $32,000 in expenses for a vehicle he never drove, $7,300 for expenses he never spent, and $1,800 for meals he never ate.

The state finally caught him after an audit this year. Never underestimate how slow things happen in a bureaucracy. Dean took a plea and will do six months in jail, then five years of probation. He also has to start paying back all of the money he stole.

2011-04-06T02:43:00.000-07:00

LEFT BEHIND AT THE SCENE OF THE CRIME: T-SHIRT WITH PICTURE ON IT ... When two men in Charlotte, North Carolina broke into a house last week, the owner rolled up on them, and as they ran away, one of them left behind ... wait for it ... a T-shirt with HIS OWN PHOTO on it!!!

I'm happy to report that the clue did indeed help Charlotte police track the Genius down. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome 25-year-old Jonathan Huntley ...

Huntley just got out of prison in November after doing almost seven years for armed robbery and breaking-and-entering. (--For this latest crime, he's been charged with robbery and breaking and entering.)

JUST THE FAX, MA'AM!... A Spanish man is back in prison after jailers were tricked into releasing him by the convicts wife. Again.

Jose Carlos Serna was awaiting trial when his wife sent jailers a fax in which she posed as a court officer -- ordering that he be set free. The jailers complied, only to find later they'd been taken for a ride. Serna, who was found hiding in a hollowed-out sofa at his home, actually pulled the same stunt last year, and evaded authorities for two full months.

I say he deserves a get-out-of-jail-free card. As a former president of ours once put it, “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

BIRD-BRAINED TEACHER ... Eva Brady - a Massachusetts middle school teacher - was removed from her eighth-grade history class late last week after students witnessed her running around the room flapping her arms, clucking like a chicken “and or trying to fly.”

Administrators sent to investigate found her sipping from a Gatorade bottle that contained a mix of energy drink and booze. A co-worker was ordered to drive her home. Ms. Brady has yet to return to the classroom.

2011-03-31T03:12:00.000-07:00

EL PASOAN PROVES WHY THEY CALL IT DOPE ... When Richard Parker was pulled over on North Stanton for a broken brake light by El Paso's finest the other day, the officer noticed the strong smell of marijuana coming from inside the car.

Upon approaching said vehicle, he noticed Parker hurridly chewing something,and asked him about it. Parker replied, “I ate some weed, you know dawg.” He refused to spit out the marijuana, and was placed under arrest by the EPPD officer for tampering with evidence.

FAILED SOBRIETY TEST IS A YOUTUBE HIT ... Ohioan Nancy Bodo was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving this past weekend, and now the dashcam video of her sobriety test is a YouTube hit ...

After her failed sobriety test, police say the woman admitted to drinking alcohol and taking prescription pills. .

FORGERER FORGES DOCTORS NOTE ... Back in January, 41-year-old Michelle Elaine Astumian of San Luis Obispo, California was convicted of forging drug prescriptions and paying for those prescriptions using a forged check, and was looking at almost five years in prison.

She was due to be sentenced on Monday, but Michelle showed up asking the judge to delay it for health reasons and gave him a doctor's note. As soon as she pulled it out, the prosecutor called the doctor on the note, who proceeded to tell him it was a forgery!!!

About that point Michelle collapsed onto the floor of the courtroom and was taken to a hospital to be checked out. So it looks like her sentencing WILL be delayed -- for a few days. But now she's also looking at a new forgery charge, as well.

2011-03-25T02:38:00.000-07:00

REVENGE OF TH E COMPUTER NERD …Two months ago, someone stole 18-year-old Mark Bao’s computer. Last week, Mark had an epiphany: He'd set up his computer to back itself up online and he could remotely access those backups, which meant he could log in and see what the thief had been doing with his computer!

Here’s what he was able to find out … One, the thief had made a video of himself dancing in front of the webcam to the song "Make It Rain" by TYGA. And two, the thief’s name thanks to the computer's web history.

First, Mark called the cops to report what he’d learned. Then he got his ultimate revenge by taking the video of the thief dancing to "Make It Rain" and posting it on YouTube … (--WARNING: The song has several curse words.)

Mark's ingenious idea forced the guy to return the laptop to the police, and then he BEGGED Mark to take the video down. the video. Mark's response? Hell to the no. The video now has more than half a million views.

MAKE IT A DOUBLE ... DUI ... Some couples get matching sweaters. Some get matching tattoos. But a Connecticut couple went the extra mile -- and ended up with matching DUI charges! Here's how it went down:

Brandi Fein pulled her car into the parking lot of a Vermont hotel, climbed out and began shouting at her male companion, allegedly demanding, "If you can drive better, let's see it!" Hotel workers called cops after David Abbot obliged and sped away erratically. Troopers caught up with the couple down the road and gave them breathalyzer tests, finding both to be twice the legal limit and since both of them had driven the car, BOTH were hit with DUIs.

Sadly, they didn't release which one blew a higher number on the breathalyzer, so we can't definitively answer their argument of who was less drunk.

GENIUSES RECORD THEMSELVES DISCUSSING BURGLARY PLAN … Three Holiday Heights, Florida, men got busted breaking into a guy's house to rob it. The cops found a camera in one of the guy’s pockets which come to find out, the Geniuses had used to record and share EVERY SINGLE DETAIL of their break-in plan.

And when they hear sirens, they’re caught on camera using the old cliché, quote, "[Eff] the police." The video ends as they're standing at their victim's back door, about to break into his house.

WARNING: LOTS of swearing and N-words ...

DOH! GUY SELLING MAGS PICKS WRONG GUY TO PUNCH … 26-year-old door-to-door magazine salesman Peter Trees was walking around Gainesville, Florida, last week knocking on doors and pushing subscriptions.

One of the doors he knocked on was Miguel Roman's. Miguel was kind enough to listen to Peter's pitch, but told him he wasn't interested. Peter, however, refused to leave and kept pushing Miguel to buy. So Miguel told him to get off his property. That only enraged Peter, who actually PUNCHED Miguel in the face. Then, he walked into Miguel's house! What the magazine salesman didn't realize was that Miguel was an off-duty FEDERAL AGENT.

Miguel pulled his piece on Peter and held him there until the police arrived. Peter was arrested and charged with battery and burglary.

2011-03-23T02:35:00.000-07:00

WHO YOU GONNA BELIEVE, ME OR YOUR LYING EYES? … Geries Fakhoury of Orland Park, Illinois was stone cold busted when his wife came home early and caught him with a prostitute, another man and a bunch of crack cocaine.So he did what every red-blooded man is wired to do – deny, deny, deny!

Not only did he not cop to any indiscretion whatsoever, he took things a step further by claiming the hooker and the man forced him to participate after threatening him with a screwdriver in his driveway. He’s now facing one felony charge of disorderly conduct for lying to investigating police.

SWAT TEAM CALLED OVER BEEFY CRUNCH BURRITOS ... Ricardo Jones of San Antonio had a three-hour standoff with a SWAT team and ended up getting into a shootout with police over the weekend because he was angry. Angry about . . . wait for it . . . Taco Bell raising the price of their Beefy Crunch Burrito!!!

See, before the standoff, Ricardo had gone through the drive-thru of his favorite Taco Bell and ordered SEVEN Beefy Crunch Burritos and was appalled to find the price had gone up from 99 cents to $1.49. He was SO upset he fired a BB gun at the Taco Bell manager, then fled to a nearby motel room.

After three hours of SWAT negotiations, they finally used tear gas to get him out of the room and subdued him. He's now looking at two felony counts of aggravated assault and could get up to 40 years in prison.

KISSING BANDIT ... Two neighbors got into an argument in Fort McCoy, Florida. When they solved their differences, the 92-year old woman in the argument suggested they kiss and make up. Her 53-year old neighbor refused the kiss…so she went back into her house, got her semi-automatic .38 and pumped four shots into his house. She’s in county lock-up – facing felony charges.

2011-03-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

DO NOT ATTEMPT THE CHARLIE SHEEN DEFENSE ... A Port St. Lucie, Florida, homeowner called cops after Robert Lubrano began banging on the door of his condo, demanding entrance. When police arrived, Lubrano told them he'd been partying with Sheen and "six naked girls" at a local pool.
Lubrano told police that he'd "consumed Roxicodone and Xanax earlier in the day, along with two beers while he was with 'Charlie Sheen.'"

The officers checked with the homeowner and confirmed that he didn't know Robert, Charlie Sheen, OR six naked goddesses . Lubrano was arrested for disturbing the peace.

REAL (WO)MAN OF GENIUS DOES NOT HAVE LUCK OF THE IRISH ... An unidentified 26-year-old woman wearing a bright blue warm-up suit with a big yellow stripe walked into a convenience store in Topeka, Kansas on St. Patricks Day and held up the clerk using a screwdriver as a weapon.

Later that afternoon, the woman went to Topeka's St. Patrick's Day parade, and rather than wear green like everyone else -- or at the very least changing into something she didn’t wear to a robbery -- was still rocking the bright blue warm-up suit with the big yellow stripe.

An officer spotted her, matched her to the description of the woman who'd held up the convenience store earlier that day, and promptly arrested her.

2011-03-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

COKE, BUT NO SMILE ... A Connecticut man wound up behind bars after calling police to complain that he'd been ripped off -- by his cocaine dealer!

Antonio Recinos dialed 911 to complain he'd given the salesman 40 bucks for a bag of coke, and got short-changed big time. But that wasn't enough for the Genius. He then followed up by finding a cop on his street beat, showed him the bag and repeaedt his grievance.

Not surprisingly, Recinos ended up in cuffs, charged with narcotics possession.

REAL (WO)MAN OF GENIUS ... Police in Denver recently reported to the scene of an accident caused by a drunk driver and while working the scene, they blocked off an intersection, which backed up traffic.

One of the people caught in traffic mess that ensued was 49-year-old Katherine Morse of Westminster, Colorado, and she wasn’t happy. When she finally got through the jam and drove past the crash scene, she rolled down her window and YELLED at the cops for, quote, "choosing a stupid place to conduct a traffic stop."

The cop who approached Katherine's car, could smell alcohol on her, so he had her pull her car over and gave her a roadside sobriety test that she, of course, FAILED.

2011-03-15T04:17:00.000-07:00

THE AL-QAEDA COSMO ... This sounds like one of those phony news stories, but I promise you this is for real: Al-Qaeda has launched a magazine for women that's being described as "Cosmo" for the lady jihadist.

The debut issue of "Al-Shamikha" - which translates to "The Majestic Woman" -features a glossy purple and pink cover with a machine gun. Inside are exclusive interviews with the wives of martyrs who gush about their husbands' decision to become suicide bombers, an advice column for single ladies on "how to marry a mujahideen”, which is a Muslim who fights as part of a jihad ...

A health column that recommends women not towel themselves off too forcefully, and a beauty column that tells women the best way to keep a clear complexion is to STAY INDOORS with their faces covered.

REAL MAN OF GENIUS ... 22-year-old Adam Yarbrough of Indianapolis was pulled over for speeding on his moped. If that's not ridiculous enough, he then went on to offer the female cop five dollars to get out of the ticket. She declined. And that’s when Adam turned on the charm.

He told the cop, and I quote, "OK, if you won't take the money how about I give you a kiss, and well, I haven't had sex in a while so how about we do that, and then we can just forget the ticket and you just let me go?"

That DID get the female cop to stop writing the ticket . . . so she could arrest Adam for FELONY BRIBERY. After she did that, he kept making sexual remarks and

2011-03-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

HOSTAGES ON SALE ... Somali pirates were reducing ransom demands over the weekend.

Yeah, you see, they’ve captured too many ships and have too many hostages, so they were reducing the ransom on some of the captives to turn them over faster. Like a huge Pirate BOGO weekend sale, I'm thinking. They're getting so desperate, in some cases they're even throwing in free OnStar and satellite radio.

MAN PROPOSES WITH STOLEN RING. BUSTED WHEN FIANCEE POSTS PIC ON FACEBOOK ... 21-year-old Robert Driscoll of Trafford, Pennsylvania wanted to propose to his girlfriend, Crystal Yamnitsky, but he didn't have any money.

So Robert opted for the five finger discount. While they were at a party at a friend's house, Robert STOLE that friend's engagement ring, and then gave it to Crystal.

She - being a woman and all - immediately took a photo of it and posted it on Facebook with the caption, "Look what Robby gave me. I love him so much." But, ya know, when you post pictures of things you stole on Facbeook, other people see them.

One of Crystal's Facebook friends was her cousin and he saw the photo and recognized the ring. He then told the friend who threw the party, who then called the police who in turn paid Crystal's a visit. She told them Robert was out getting the ring resized, but he'd actually taken it to a pawn shop and sold it for $250. (--It was a three-carat diamond ring that was ACTUALLY valued $12,000)

Rob was arrested for stealing the ring, and Crystal - who it turns out knew it was stolen - was arrested for conspiracy and receiving stolen property.

2011-03-09T06:51:00.000-08:00

MUG SHOT OF THE YEAR CANDIDATE … 20-year-old David Davis of Stamford, Connecticut was getting his MASSIVE 'FRO cut and braided when all of a sudden, for some unexplained reason, he got into a fight with someone halfway through his haircut. David ended up STABBING that man with a pair of scissors. That got him a felony assault charge, and put an abrupt end to his haircut

And his mug shot is HI-larious …

What would you call this, a halfro???!!!

BURGLAR CALLS 911 ON HIMSELF … Timothy Chapek of Portland, Oregon broke into a house Monday night, but not long after, the owner - Hilary Mackenzie - got home. So Timothy PANICKED. He proceeded to lock himself in her bathroom and call 911 ON HIMSELF!!!

He told the 911 dispatcher, quote, "I broke into a house and the owner came home. I think she's got guns." Meanwhile, Hilary was making a 911 call of her own ... and from the sound of her call, she wasn't considering Timothy to be too much of a threat.

Timothy was arrested and charged with criminal trespass.

2011-03-06T18:23:00.000-08:00

WTW??? MAN FOLDS EX-GIRLFRIENDS MOM INTO THE COUCH!!! ... Mark Foreman of Palmetto, Florida showed up at the home of his ex-girlfriend's mother last week and asked to use the bathroom.

The woman - who was lying on the bed that folds out of her couch at the time - said no. So Mark attacked her, then FOLDED HER and the bed back into the couch!!!

Someone called the cops, who rescued the woman from inside the couch and sent her to the hospital, where she was treated for injuries to her right wrist and her back. Mark was arrested for battery on a person over 65. That's Mark's mugshot on the top left. He looks rather pleased with himself, dontchathink?

HOW'S THIS FOR IRONY ... Police in Charleroi, Pennsylvania - a town just outside Pittsburgh - found a two-year old toddler wandering the streets alone. They say he wasn’t wearing shoes or a coat. After conducting a door-to-door search to find his parents, it was determined she'd left him in the care of her fiance's father while she attended a ‘parenting class.’ Police are deciding whether to charge her with child endangerment. In which case, she’d have to attend parenting classes!

HONESTY IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY ... A police officer in Elyria, Ohio, pulled over a driver who was observed speeding and swerving just after 2:00 A.M. The driver - 25-year-old Stephen Supers - was asked if he'd been drinking.

Stephen responded by reaching down, picking up is open beer can, taking a drink, and saying, "Yes."

He was placed under arrest. A subsequent search of his car produced some marijuana and a CRACK PIPE. Stephen, still in a confessing mood, then told the cop he was driving with a suspended license. 'Driving under suspension' was added to the DUI and possession charges.

WINNER, WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER ... 27-year-old Joseph Stringer of Kingston, Georgia was arrested for misdemeanor shoplifting after he went to Walmart and shoved the following things down his pants: Chicken wings, a mouth guard, two toothbrushes, and a FULL rotisserie chicken. There's a Chicken Crotchatore joke in there somewhere too!

MORE PEOPLE OF WALMART ... Rodney Kunkel of Toledo, Ohio was busted for walking around a Walmart and putting photos of himself in FISHNET STOCKINGS, a woman's CAMISOLE, high heels, and NO UNDERWEAR on different shelves throughout the store, and on the windshields of some of the cars in the parking lot.

A Walmart security guard spotted him and called police. According to the police report, Rodney, quote, "apparently did it just to get a reaction." Here's his mugshot. The photos of him in his fishnets and camisole sadly weren't released.

WHY THEY CALL IT CRACK ... A Florida man was busted for having crack in his ... well ... crack. 19-year-old Clarell Jamar Colbert was riding his bike in the middle of the street, obstructing traffic, and reportedly became very agitated when officers approached him.

He was arrested after a drug-sniffing dog smelled a "narcotic odor coming from his rear." He allegedly had a tube filled with several rocks of crack between his cheeks.

2011-03-03T09:57:00.000-08:00

REAL MEN OF GENIUS ... Vermont state troopers pulled over 30-year-old Scott Patterson of Highgate, Vermont this past Sunday for driving erratically, and had him perform a few typical sobriety tests. For reasons known only to the Real Men of Genius mind, THAT was when … with the troopers less than 20 feet way … his passengers - 30-year-old Kris Richards and 31-year-old Jason Beyor - decided would be a good time to SMOKE THEMSELVES SOME REEFER.

One of the troopers walked back over to the car, saw what the two bozos were up to, and arrested them for possesion. Meanwhile, Scott’s blood alcohol level was more than double the legal limit so he got hauled in for a DUI.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH TO REMOVE ALL REFERENCES TO 'BOOTY' ... The U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops have conferred and decided to release a new version of the official English-language Catholic Bible. One that completely omits all references to the word BOOTY.

Now, of course, when the Bible says booty it's not in reference to, you know, dropping it like it's hot. It uses "booty" the way that we think of pirates using the word "booty", to refer to the riches you get from war. But the Catholic bishops now feel, "booty" is too evocative in the modern buttock context, so it's been replaced with the word "spoils."

For now, the booty dropping is only happening in the bishops' official version, the New American Bible, which comes out next week, on Ash Wednesday.

2011-02-28T19:36:00.000-08:00

theSmokingGun.com

REAL (WO)MAN OF GENIUS ... When Sara King of Manatee County, Florida (pictured, left) reported to prison to start serving a 30-day sentence for drug possession last week the deputy searching her asked her a standard question: Do you have anything on you you're not supposed to have?

This is where every inmate says "No", either because they AREN'T trying to smuggle something in, or because they're lieing. But not Sara, because Sara evidently wasn't paying attention during Smuggling 101 class. She told the deputy ... and I quote ... "Just my pills in my vagina."

Despite her honesty, Sara was hit with a felony charge of introducing contraband into a correctional facility. Oh, and the drug she was smuggling in? A drug used to cure drug addiction.

NO TOILET – NO BRIDE ... Forget all the unrest in the Middle East, the country of India is trying to bring their own social change to the countryside. Young women there are joining the government’s No Toilet – No Bride’campaign and are refusing to get married until their future husbands install a toilet in their home. (--In rural India, millions still go outside to take care of business.) Evidently their traditions are a little different than ours. There it's 'something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that flushes'

NO GOGGLES ... A school in England has banned goggles from being used in swim class. The school officials reasoned a student might accidentally snap the goggles on their face too hard, possibly damaging their eyes. So no swimmer will be allowed to wear swim goggles. In a way it’s kind of nice to see a total lack of common sense isn’t just an American problem.

nwfdailynews

MORE PROOF THE CRACK DON'T SMOKE ITSELF ... When Mila Birkestrand of Fort Walton Beach, Florida was pulled over for speeding late Sunday night one of the cops told her he was a bit suspicious because she was in an area that's known for drug deals.

And without any prompting, because she was eager to prove her innocence, she told them to go ahead and search her car for the drugs.

They took her up on the offer and naturally, found drugs in the car. A crack rock on the driver's side floorboard, to be exact. Despite her explanation that she hadn't BOUGHT the crack, a man gave it to her in exchange for a ride, Mila was arrested.

2011-02-25T02:35:00.000-08:00

MUMMY ROBS CONVENIENCE STORE ... Someone get BRENDAN FRASER on the phone, because a mummy robbed a convenience store in Pennsylvania the other day!!! OK, it probably wasn't an actual mummy. It may have just been a guy with cloth or gauze wrapped around his face as a disguise. But it COULD have been a real mummy!!!

Surveillance camera screen shot

Police say the "mummy" walked into the Exxon Buy N' Fly in Herminie, Pennsylvania at about 3:00 P.M. armed with a HATCHET, and demanded money. Police are still on the look out for him. It? Suspect is described as ...

SHOPLIFTING EXCUSE; HE LOST A BET ... 58-year-old Irwin Krakow of Millville, New Jersey was arrested for shoplifting from a Walmart.Security caught him with a USB card, two spoons, a nutcracker, a decorative tree, and a few t-shirts.

Irwin confessed to the po-po he did it because he'd LOST A BET to some friends and had to either shoplift $50 worth of stuff from Walmart or run through the street naked. He chose he former. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the total value of the stuff he pinched was only $43

MAN ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO HELP A FRIEND OUT ... Gregory Murphy of Fort Walton Beach, Florida is facing a felony charge for buying CRACK, and he can thank his good friend and his own sharp negotiation skills. Gregory was with his friend Benjamin Bonds, and they were driving around in Benjamin's Buick so he could score some crack.

They pulled into a trailer park and were approached by a crack dealer, who unbeknownst to them, was actually an undercover cop. So Benjamin and the crack dealer/undercover cop start talking business, and Gregory - who it turns out had no interest in the crack himself - listened and felt like his bud was getting a bad deal. So he injected himself into the proceedings and took over the negotiations, finally agreeing on $60.

The crackhead is the one on the right

When Benjamin took possession, other cops swarmed and arrested both of them. Because Gregory involved himself, he got hit with the EXACT same charge as Benjamin: FELONY cocaine possession with intent to purchase a schedule two narcotic.

2011-02-24T18:44:00.000-08:00

WOMAN JACKS UP ROOMATE OVER THIN MINTS ... Hersha Howard of Naples, Florida got home Sunday morning and went to the kitchen to eat from her stash of Thin Mints. But she found that her delicious cookies were ALL GONE. And she flipped out. She went into her roommate's room, woke her up, and accused her of eating the cookies.

The roommate insisted she didn't eat them, but Hersha didn't believe her. They argued, and it escalated to the point of Hersha CHASING her roommate around with SCISSORS, then HITTING her with a WOODEN BOARD, following her outside, and attacking her with a sign. Hersha was eventually arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

As for what happened to the missing cookies . . . turns out the earlier that day the roommate HAD opened the Thin Mints, but she didn't eat them. She gave them to Hersha's KIDS because they were hungry.

Collier County Sheriff’s Offic

2011-02-21T07:06:00.000-08:00

WOMAN UPSET MOM'S PHOTO APPEARS ON 'PEOPLE OF WALMART' COMPLAINS TO TV STATION; MAKES THINGS WORSE: OK, let’s say you find an embarrassing photo of yourself or a loved one online. You feel awful. You want the website to remove it, destroy it, and make sure no one sees it. Basically, you want the photo to go away as quickly and quietly as possible.

Such was the case for a woman in Michigan. Her solution for making it go away, though, backfired. Because her solution was to call the local FOX TV station, which resulted in turning this whole thing into an international news story.

Melanie Wheeler of Ypsilanti, Michigan found out that a picture of her mother had been uploaded to the PeopleOfWalmart website. (--If you're not familiar, that's a site where people send in photos of CRAZY LOOKING PEOPLE at their local Walmarts.)

And even though the picture is quite tame compared to most that show up on the site, and her mother’s face is obscured, Melanie freaked out ... She's the one in the denimn jacket.

Rather than notice that People of Walmart says, quote, "Simply email us and we will take down [a picture of you], no problem" . . . she called Detroit's FOX affiliate to complain about the photo. The story made the news … then spread around the Internet, and drew FAR more attention to the photo than it ever would've or should've gotten.

2011-02-18T02:59:00.000-08:00

FAKE COPS BUSTED FOR REAL ... Glenn Hooper of Orange County, Florida and his older brother, Gregory took their fake copping seriously. They both owned Ford Crown Victorias. Both cars were outfitted with lights and sirens and spotlights. And each car had handcuffs dangling inside, and microphones to talk to other drivers.

But their driving around, pulling people over act blew up in their faces this week when Glenn tried to pull someone over who got suspicious and called the real police. When the real cops showed up, Glenn tried to tell them he worked for the Seminole County Sheriff's Office. No, the cops said, WE work for the Seminole County Sheriff's Office.

Wait, it gets better ...

While the real police was arresting him, his brother Gregory rolled up in HIS fake cop car with the siren blaring. You see Gregory was planning to pretend he was a cop and help out his brother, not realizing Glenn was the one being arrested.

Screen grab via WFTV.com

Both are now facing third-degree felony charges.

BUSTED BY THE DOG ... Joel Dobrin of San Diego, California was driving his pickup truck in Oregon when a sheriff's deputy hit the lights to pull him over. Well, Joel had a sock full of REEFER and hashish sitting on the front seat so before he pulled over, he tried stashing the sock.

I say ‘tried’ because his pit bull was also in the car, and thought Joel picking up the sock was his cue to play. His dog bit the other end of the sock and wouldn't let go. They played a brief game of tug-of-war until the dog aYANKED the sock out of Joel's hand.

In the process, the sock went flying . . . right out the window … and right onto the path of the oncoming deputy. Joel was arrested and cited for possession of marijuana and hashish

2011-02-16T02:50:00.000-08:00

THE CHUBBY SHOP LIFTER ... Five-foot-two, 400 POUND Jerrie Perkins of Pontiac, Michigan, was riding her motorized cart through a grocery store in Rochester Hills, Michigan, and shoplifting mostly electronics. After she'd stole about 600 bucks worth she decided to make a run for it. And by "run," I mean a slow ride out the door.

That ended rather quickly when SHE GOT STUCK in the doorway ... just as all her stolen merchandise was setting off the alarm.

That, of course, brought the store employees running over to see why the alarm was going off, and naturally, they noticed all the stuff she hadn't paid for and called the cops. The Chubby Shop Lifter managed to get herself loose just as the cops got there and they ended up having to use the TASER on her when she took a swing at one of them.

NO, REALLY, HE WAS JUST MOWING THE SIDEWALK ... Steve Urbansky of Lorain, Ohio got his car stuck in a snow bank along the side of the road and was still trying to dislodge the car when police happened to drive by. They quickly noticed the strong smell of alcohol on him and started asking questions.

Steve told them he was all up in the snow bank because, quote, "[I was] just trying to mow the sidewalk." Instead of thanking him for doing such a noble but mostly unnecessary bit of community service, he was arrested for DUI.

REAL MAN OF GENIUS ... A California man who stole tires from a tire store was easy to track down -- he put the tires in a van with his name and phone number on it!!!

Security cameras caught Jeffrey Yancey and an accomplice putting the tires from Best for Less Tire Pros into a van labeled "Jeff Tires" followed by HIS CELL PHONE NUMBER. Police arrested Yancey at his home after calling the number and pretending to want to buy tires.

2011-02-15T05:01:00.000-08:00

THREE OUT OF FIVE OF US TALK TO OUR CARS: According to a survey commissioned by Jiffy Lube, three out of five Americans talk to their cars. Here's what they're saying: (They could pick more than one answer)

50% have thanked their cars for a job well done, like getting them somewhere on time.

39% say they verbally encourage their cars. I.e.; "Come on, get up the hill without making me turn off the heat. You can do it! Come on, you're a beast."

32% have apologized to their cars, either for reckless driving, getting in an accident, or putting them through bad conditions.

30% beg or plead with their cars.

21% talk sweet to their cars while RUBBING the dashboard, steering wheel, or some other part.

And 17% try to bribe their cars by verbally promising them premium gas, a car wash, and other special gifts. Confession Time! How many of the above are you guilty of?

THEIF CAN’T RESIST POWER OF THE REWARDS CARD …Cassandra Holley of Orlando, Florida, (pictured) had just stolen the credit card out of another shopper's purse at a Winn-Dixie grocery store in Deland, Florida, and was in the process of paying for her groceries with it, but she couldn't fight the urge to pass up on the discounts she gets for being a part of Winn-Dixie's Rewards Club.

However, Cassandra didn't have her rewards card on her, so she gave the cashier her phone number; her own actual phone number.

When the cashier plugged it in, he noticed the name on the account didn't match the name on the credit card. He became suspicious, and after she left, told the manager, who in turn called police. The Po-Po used Cassandra's real phone number to track her down and arrest her.

WHEN IS A BANK ROBBERY NOT A BANK ROBBERY? …A man walked up to a Citizen's Bank branch inside of a Stop & Shop grocery store in Cranston, Rhode Island, recently and handed the teller a note written on a torn paper plate telling her it was a robbery. Apparently his penmanship needs some work because she was having such a hard time reading he finally had to tell her, "This is a robbery."

She responded by telling him it was closing time, and pulling down the security screen over her window. Security cameras caught the guy walking away quickly – empty-handed.

2011-02-10T05:04:00.000-08:00

DRUNK DRIVER PULLS HERSELF OVER ... Nicole Scott of Sandusky, Ohio was driving her Dodge Avenger under the influence and thought she saw red and blue police lights up ahead, so she pulled over. But they weren't police lights. They were actually lights on the sign for a roller skating rink. Oh, and when she pulled over, she pulled right into a snow bank and got STUCK.

Not long after, some actual police did end up driving by, saw the car lodged in the snow, and stopped to help. That’s when they noticed Nicole wasn’t all there, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Nicole's Mugshot

Nicole refused to take a sobriety test because she told the cops she wasn't driving, her friend Ray was driving but ran off. Then she changed the story to blame her friend Samantha. Then it was her friend Courtney. Then, finally, her friend Brittany was the one driving.

That’s about when the cops not only noticed a half-full bottle of Michelob Ultra in the car, they also observed the only footprints in the snow were Nicole's. She was arrested and charged with operating a vehicle under the influence and having an open container.

INDIANA CITY REFUSES TO NAME BUILDING AFTER MAYOR BECAUSE OF HIS NAME ... From 1934 to 1954, Fort Wayne, Indiana had a mayor who was so beloved he won four terms. He was mayor longer than anyone else in Fort Wayne history. Even so, the city is REFUSING to bend to popular demand and name a new government center after him because of his name: HARRY BAALS.

Deputy Mayor Beth Malloy said city leaders are refusing and will continue to despite public support because, quote, "We realize that while Harry Baals was a respected mayor, (but) not everyone outside of Fort Wayne will know that."

2011-02-09T02:37:00.000-08:00

REAL MAN OF JENIUS ... Cincinnati police are on the hunt for a man who assaulted an eight-month pregnant woman by hitting her with the butt of a gun. He should be fairly easy to spot.

Police say he has the word ‘genius’ self-tattooed on his face. Only it’s spelled with a ‘j’ instead of a ‘g’. Can’t wait for the arrest and the inevitable viral mug shot!!!

YOUR CONFESSIONS? YUP, THERE'S AN APP FOR THAT ... The U.S. branch of the Catholic Church has given its blessing to an iPhone app named "Confession" that lets you confess your sins, then walks you through your penance. All for the low, low price of $1.99.

The Church does want to make it clear, however, the digital absolution is NOT a replacement for actually going to confession in person, but they think it will help Catholics engage in religion using new technology.

Hey, maybe we can get them to give our occasional "Confession Wednesday" their blessing as well!

2011-02-08T02:36:00.000-08:00

MEN ROBBED BECAUSE GUARD DOG BUSY TRYING TO GETBUSY ... Edward Smith of Cortez, Florida has a pit bull named Zeus who he'd trained as a guard dog. Zeus and all his training would’ve really come in handy over the weekend after someone broke into Edward’s house and stole his and a friend’s wallet at gunpoint.

But Zeus wasn't there to save the day because, as Edward put it, "He was down the road, trying to get his groove on" with a female dog. Police are still searching for the robber. No word on whether Zeus was luckier than Edward.

ABC5/Cleveland

GOOD SAMARITAN FORCES PURSE SNATCHER TO CALL 9-1-1 ON HIMSELF ... 18-year-old Cody Bragg of Alliance, Ohio is living proof not everyone is cut out to be a criminal genius.

Cody recently drove up next to a woman loading groceries into her car in the parking lot of his local Wal-Mart and snatched her purse before peeling off. As luck would have it, though, a snowplow driver who was in the parking lot and saw it all go down decided he wasn't going to let Cody get away. The snowplow driver started following him in his snow plow for 21 miles!

That’s when the would-be criminal genius became a Real Man of Genius. Cody called 911 and inadvertently busted himself out when he told the operator, quote, "There's a guy in a snowplow and he's following me and he's scaring me."

When the cops pulled the snowplow driver over, he explained why he was following Cody. They tracked Cody down at his house a few hours later and arrested him for the purse snatching.

SMART PHONE, STUPID MAN ... Police in Maryland say some “sheer luck” and equal dose of “sheer stupidity” helped them catch Cody Wilkins of Silver Spring, Maryland. Cody, they came to find out, was responsible for more than FIFTY home break-ins and burglaries since November of last year.

Cody would break in when the homes were empty, steal jewelry or electronics, and get out without leaving so much as a trace. The cops everything to find the responsible party: forensic testing, tracking footprints, analyzing his pattern -- all to no avail.

Montgomery County Police

Then, finally, last week, Cody messed up. When he broke into a house in Silver Spring, he brought his CELL PHONE CHARGER with him and plugged it in to get a little juice while he robbed the place. That was the “sheer stupidity” part. The “sheer luck” part happened after the homeowner's son got home forcing Cody to jump out of a window and bounce. When he ran, he forgot the cell phone he was charging. The police used it to easily track him down.

CRACKHEAD GRANNY ... Here's more proof that CRACK DON'T SMOKE ITSELF. A 61 - yes, 61 year old woman was in her apartment in Seattle, Washington, and around 3:45 P.M., she decided she was going to smoke herself some crack. She filled up her crackpipe before realizing she didn't have a lighter. So she grabbed a chopstick, lit it on fire using the stove, and tried to use it to light the crackpipe.

It didn't work so she dropped the LIT chopstick on her couch and went to a neighbor's apartment to borrow a lighter. Long story short, firefighters were able to put out the fire before it could spread to other apartments, but not before it did more than $30,000 in damage to the crackhead's apartment.

2011-02-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

COUNTRY MAKES FARTING ILLEGAL … The African country of Malawi just made it illegal to PASS GAS in public. The decision to punish people who repeatedly, quote, "foul the air" was made to help "mould responsible and disciplined citizens."

So if for some ungodly reason you ever take a trip to Malawi you best remember to clench those buttocks nice and tight. Because if you let one slip, you won’t just be breaking wind, you’ll be breaking the law!!! And don’t think you can get away with an “S.B.D”, either. They’ll get you for ‘Assault with a Silent but Deadly Weapon’

NOW THIS IS HOW YOU ABUSE YOUR POWER … An immigration officer in England – his name hasn’t been released - wanted to end things with his wife but didn’t want to man up and tell her face to face. So he devised the most evil, illegal plan his line of work would allow him; he put her name on the Terrorist Watch list!!!

While his wife was out of the country visiting family in Pakistan, he used his clearance to add her name to every possible Terrorist Watch List he could. That way, she'd never be allowed back into Britain and he'd be a free man. And it worked!!! She couldn't get back into the country for THREE YEARS. It wasn’t until recently when he was up for a promotion and his bosses were vetting him that the scheme unraveled.

While looking into his background, they found out his wife was a suspected terrorist and started digging deeper and deeper until they finally put all the pieces together and figured out what he'd done. So instead of being promoted, he was fired for gross misconduct. His wife has been taken off of the watch lists and allowed back into England.

A FUNERAL PARTY ... There's a new trend popping up around the country: Funeral homes are making extra money by marketing themselves as event centers. A recent survey found 10% of Funeral homes around the country are expanding to include extra rooms for weddings, birthdays and anniversary parties to offer “ alternative uses for their facilities.” That sounds like a bad "Weekend at Bernie’s" sequel waiting to happen, dontcha think? But, hey, if you’ve always thought your parties could raise the dead, here’s your chance to prove it!

2011-01-31T17:11:00.000-08:00

SUICED BOMBER GETS TEXT MESSAGE; GOES BOOM ... Russian security forces are reporting a suicide bombing on New Year's Eve in Moscow's Red Square that could have killed hundreds was stymied ... but not because of anything THEY did. This was a case of 'stuff happens.'

What happened was a female suicide bomber was in a safe house a few hours before the planned attack, preparing her homemade belt of explosives, and rigging the cell phone trigger. Unfortunately for the would-be bomber, she was using an ACTIVE cell phone with a current calling plan.

And as luck would have it, just when she had the whole thing set, her service provider sent her an automated 'Happy New Year' text message ... which DETONATED THE BOMB!!! Russian authorities think she was part of the same radical Islamic group that bombed Moscow's airport last Monday.

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER SHOWS UP DRUNK ... Kids usually like it when a substitute teacher shows up - unless she comes in drunk and screaming at the top of her lungs, that is.

That's exactly what happened to a sixth-grade class in Puyallup, Washington, last week when an unnamed 46-year-old substitute teacher went loco on them, even appearing to be passed out at her desk at one point. That prompted one kid to call the police.

The teacher told deputies she had taken medication the night before and had consumed a couple of glasses of wine before coming to school. A container of alcohol was found in her purse.

2011-01-26T13:08:00.000-08:00

MAN WINS CAR BY HAVING HIS MOST PRIVATE OF AREAS TATTOOED ... Andreas Muller of Sachsen Anhalt, Germany won a $32,000 MINI Cooper from a German radio station by ... wait for it ... letting them tattoo the word "MINI" on his man thing!!! Pardon me while I cringe.

The station was giving away the car to the person who did the, quote, "craziest, most idiotic stunt". What Andreas did totally falls under that category. I mean, a car worth 32 grand is cool, but is that really the place you want to have the word "mini" tattooed?

Andreas says the tatt was insanely painful but, quote, "Once I'm sitting in the car, it won't matter anymore."

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO 'EWWWW' ... I think we've all been in a situation like this before; You gotta go, and I mean bad, so you rush into the closest store and ask to use the bathroom. That was the case for a Finspang, Sweden man - name withheld. He had to drop the kids off at the pool, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

So he went into a store and asked the employee if he could use their toilet. She said health codes prohibited her from opening their bathroom up to the public. So he responded by . . . DOING HIS BUSINESS RIGHT THERE AND THEN while all the while yelling insults at the employee. When he was finished, he got up, grabbed some candy, and left the store leaving behind his soiled underwear and his pile of excrement.

He was in court this week and was sentenced to eight months in prison, plus an extra two months because all this happened while he was out on parole.

2011-01-25T05:07:00.000-08:00

REAL MAN OF GENIUS EXPERIMENT FAIL ... This is why, kids, shows like "MythBusters" and "Jackass" warn you not to "try this at home": In Wayne County, Ohio, a man - name withheld - decided he was going to see for himself if a phonebook could really stop a BULLET, like he saw on "MythBusters".

So he put a phonebook on the mantle above his fireplace, stood across the room, and opened fire with his nine-millimeter pistol. Fail #1, he's a bad shot. Two, the walls of his house were pretty thin. And three, the phonebook did NOT stop the bullet.

I say "the" because only one of his three bullets actually hit the phonebook, but all three went through his thin walls - and all three ended up going through his NEIGHBOR'S wall too!!! Fortunately, no one was in the path of the bullets.

The man was arrested and charged with FELONY discharging a firearm into an inhabited dwelling.

Here's a YouTube video of the "MythBusters" episode the GENIUS tried to emulate ...

2011-01-24T10:07:00.001-08:00

ROBBER vs. SAMURAI SWORD. WHO YOU GOT??? ... A man in South Carolina who's pulled off at least 14 convenience store robberies in the past year has finally been arrested thanks to a store clerk and his SAMURAI SWORD!!!

The police eventually found the guy hiding in some bushes not far from the store.

REAL MAN OF GENIUS ... Last month Hubert Blackman of New York City
was on vacation in Las Vegas, and called an escort service to arrange for some ... ahem ... company. The deal was arranged, she came to his room, and he paid her $155 for an hour. She did her thing then told him it for $120 more her mouth could get involved, if you know what I'm sayin' and I think you do. He said sure, she kept up her end of the bargain, he paid, and then left.

Afterwards, though, he was FURIOUS. He'd paid for an hour, but she took care of business and left in 30 minutes. So he called the company and asked for a refund. They refused, so he called the cops! Now keep in mind the services he paid for are illegal. And if you're doing something illegal and someone rips you off it's not very smart to go to the police.

They were nice enough not to arrest him, but told him there was nothing they can do about a hooker ripping him off. But instead of calling it an expensive lesson learned and moving on, Hubert flew back to New York and decided to SUE!!! He wants his $275 back, plus ... wait for it ... $1.8 MILLION for pain and suffering.

He says the whole incident has caused him mental problems. In a thought process only a Real Man of Genius can manufacture, quote, "An escort did an illegal sexual act on me during her paid service to me, and I almost [was] arrested."

2011-01-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

KARMA AND IRONY ALL ROLLED UP IN ONE ... Three men driving around Kansas City, Missouri last week looking for people whose cars were stuck in the snow to rob, found out the meaning of “karma” and “irony” first handwhen THEIR Chevrolet Suburban got stuck in the snow.
The police came to the scene because their Suburban matched the description robbery victims had given. Their investigation produced several credit cards of their victims, and everyone involved was charged with robbery and armed criminal action.

IT MUST'VE BEEN JUST A FLESH WOUND ... Ronnie Gregory of Syracuse, New York, was walking to the store last Thursday when a man started firing a gun at him. The guy managed to get Ronnie in the right leg, but Ronnie was still able to walk a few blocks to his house, and asked his wife to drive him to the hospital.

Well, apparently her husband's leg wound wasn't a life-or-death emergency worthy of driving to the hospital right away because Ronnie’s wife made TWO stops on the way to the hospital. First she stopped at an elementary school to pick up two of her kids, and then stopped again to pick up a third child at a high school.

Then, and only then, with the whole family all piled in the car she headed to the hospital. Seriously, ladies, is that REALLY the right time to knock out a few errands? Lucky for Ronnie his wife guessed right and his wound wasn't life threatening.

2011-01-20T09:40:00.000-08:00

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING STRAIGHT OUT OF A CHEECH AND CHONG MOVIE ... Several teenagers broke into a house in Silver Springs, Florida, earlier this week and as they searched the house looking for things to take, they thought they'd hit upon the ultimate score: A whole bunch of white powder!!! So they snorted it.

Only it was CREMATED ASHES. Yes, the criminal masterminds snorted the ashes of the home owner's late FATHER and two dead GREAT DANES. After they snorted the ashes and figured out they'd just taken in remains not drugs, they got the heck out of there.

The cops were able to track all of them down, and they’ve been charged with residential burglary. Here, now, are the criminal masterminds ...
GAS PASSER GETS HIS REVENGE ... A 21-year old man in Connecticut has been arrested for fatally stabbing one man and wounding three others at a party after a fight over his flatulence.
Marc Higgins of Bristol, Connecticut, (above photo), was drunk at a house party, and apparently, couldn't get his emissions under control. The other people at the party started mocking him so he left the party and returned with a knife seeking his revenge. It would be ironic, and yet oddly fitting, if he got the gas chamber, no?

WHEN GOOD ANIMALS GO BAD .. 1.) Police in Pforzheim, Germany recently busted an OWL for public intoxication. They received a call about an owl staggering around in the middle of a street, with drooping eyelids, and no care at all for the cars speeding around him.

Upon further investigation, police found two small bottles of schnapps near the owl. The owl was taken to a local bird expert who hydrated him until he sobered up, then sent him on his way. There's no word on where he got the alcohol.

This isn't the aforementioned owl, but I bet it looked all snookered like this ...
2.) The police in Bucaramanga, Colombia recently arrested a PIGEON for trying to smuggle reefer into prison. Turns out, the 1.6 ounces of the marijuana strapped to it’s body that was just a little too much cargo for the pigeon, and it was nabbed as it was struggling to fly over the prison wall. I guess you could say it couldn't get high enough! Hi-Yo!!! No, YOU shut up!

2011-01-17T01:56:00.001-08:00

HUH???!!! ... In case you need further proof government in America doesn’t know has no problem spending our hard earned money at the drop of a hat ...

A guy in Somerset, New Jersey recently complained the city council there overcharged him four dollars when they charged him five dollars for a recording of their city council meeting.

The town disagreed so the man took them to court. Get this: Somerset spend $17,000 in legal fees to fight the four dollar refund ... AND LOST!!!

THIS SUCKED ... A woman in Green Bay got a reconditioned vacuum cleaner from her kids for Christmas, but it wasn’t working quite right – so she took it apart to clean it … and found $280,000 worth of crystal meth and cocaine inside the machine.

Police say the vacuum, which they think was reconditioned in Juarez, Mexico, was used to smuggle drugs into the U.S., but there was a mix-up somewhere along the line and nobody - including the store that sold the vacuum - noticed. I’ll tell you who DID notice. The poor guy somewhere out there trying to get high snorting carpet dust!!!

2011-01-14T08:27:00.000-08:00

FUR REAL? ... You know what they say: The bigger they are, the easier it is for them to hide a fur coat in their underpants! OK, that’s not exactly what they say, but that’s exactly what 5 foot 6 inch, 270-pound Stephanie Moreland did.

Minnesota cops made that discovery after hauling Stephanie in on shoplifting charges. A fur dealer accused her of stealing a $6,500 mink, but when officers caught up with her, they found a hanger from the store, but no coat.

After THREE DAYS in custody, she finally lifted up her dress and pulled out the mink coat from her underwear. There's no word on if the store plans to resell the coat or if they even want it back.

DRUNK MAN NOT A SLATER FAN ... The Homer Glen, Illinois, bar Mullets Sports Bar & Restaurant has on one of its wall an homage to the most famous mullets of all time.

One of the photos features MARIO LOPEZ from back when he was playing A.C. Slater on "Saved By the Bell".

Well, apparently one of it’s drunken customers to umbrage to the Slater homage and RIPPED the photo off the bathroom wall then SMASHED it on the floor.

When police responded to a call from the bar owner and asked the customer why he'd torn down the photo, he responded, quote, "I just don't like Slater."

DOG OWNERS THINK THEIR DOG BETTER THAN THE T.V. GUYS ... A new survey by the Associated Press and Petside found that 72% of dog owners - or about three out of four - believe their DOG is better at predicting the weather than “Doppler” Dave or Chuck DeBroder.

Cat owners are a little more down-to-earth. Only 66% of them think their cat can predict the weather and warn them about a change in the weather long before they heard it from any other source.

And how did thier pets warn them? 64% tried to hide in a safe place, 56% whined or cried, 52% became hyperactive or unpredictable, and 36% barked or meowed nonstop

Scientists have proven that animals can sometimes predict bad weather because of changes in air and barometric pressure outside, but there's no proof they have any sort of weather-predicting sixth sense. Heck, my dog doesn't even have to sense to not eat his own poop!