REAL MAN OF GENIUS … On Monday, police were called to the scene of a reported break-in at a recycling center in Redding, California

41-year-old Russell Spade was listening to his police scanner at the time and heard that the suspect the police were looking for was wearing a San Francisco 49ers sweatshirt and khaki pants. So, even though Russell had nothing to do with the attempted robbery, he decided to put on a 49ers sweatshirt and khakis to see if the police would notice him walking around his neighborhood.

Long story short, they did. And they arrested him for obstructing and delaying a police officer. Put another way, he was arrested for wasting their time.

THE UGLY TRUTH … Can a criminal ever be too ugly? Apparently, police in England think so. 33 year old David Holyoak was sentenced to jail for an armed bank robbery Tuesday and was told by officers that he picked the wrong profession for his looks.

Cops dubbed him "Shrek" for his resemblance to the cartoon ogre and said his distinctive features made it easy for them to catch him. "This man only needs to look at himself in the mirror to realize armed robbery is not for him," one officer said.

NEITHER RAIN NOR RAMEN ... This wasn't the kind of delivery this Iowa homeowner was expecting! Ninety-five-year-old Marie O'Kelley entered her kitchen to find a drunk mail carrier sitting in front of her refrigerator eating leftover noodles.

At first O'Kelley heard a noise and thought her daughter had arrived, but when she went to investigate she found 46-year-old Kristine A. Pflughaupt, dressed in her mail uniform and scooping up the noodles with her hands.

"I said, ‘What are you doing here?’ and she didn’t answer me," O’Kelly said. "She just kept eating those noodles." Pflughaupt was arrested and is now on unpaid leave from the postal service.

CAT SCRATCH FEVER ... On Sunday, Animal Control officers in New York City came to the rescue of Rosa Davila and her son, 27-year-old Victor Marte, who were being held hostage in their apartment by an overweight house cat named Carmen.

According to Rosa, Carmen started acting strangely a few months ago, and on Sunday, she finally snapped, jumping on Victor and clawing at his legs. To escape Carmen's rage, Rosa and Victor holed up in a bedroom and called 911.

A few minutes later, Animal Control showed up expecting a bobcat, but ended up getting a very angry, but very small, feline. They were, however, able to corral Carmen into a cage and take her away.

DOH! … 19 year odl Anthony Carrazco, of Brownsville, Texas thought he’d grow his business by taking his pot dealing door-to-door of an apartment complex.

And kudos to him for his straightforward sales approach, but wouldn’t you know it – as luck would have it, he ended up knocking on a police officer's door!

Police say not only did Carrazco try to sell him three ounces of weed, bu he also had a gun on him … oh, and he was drunk.

UNIVERSAL PICTURES EDITED THE BLACK COUPLE OUT OF THE BRITISH VERSION OF MOVIE POSTER ... Universal Pictures released that VINCE VAUGHN comedy "Couples Retreat" last month, and the movie poster features eight of the actors in the movie - six of them are white and two are black. But in the British version of the movie poster, the two black actors have been edited out. Was it an oversight? Was it a printing error? Was it ... dare I say ... racism? Nope.
According to a spokesman for Universal, the actors were edited out in order to, quote, "simplify" the poster. WTF???!!!

REAL (WO)MAN OF GENIUS … Velma Norris of Elizabethton, Tennessee, was seen slumped over the wheel of her car in a grocery store parking lot, and fearing the worst, someone called the cops.

Before the police could arrive, Velma left and pulled into a space at the Sonic Drive-In next door, where she again slumped forward over the steering wheel.

When the female officer arrived and walked up to the vehicle, our Genius woke up and tried to give her $20 for the meal she thought she had just ordered at Sonic. After repeatedly trying to convince her she was not a Sonic waitress, the officer finally gave up and placed Velma under arrest for DUI.

MISSIONARY RELEASED BY MUSLIM REBELS SO THEY COULD WATCH THE MANNY PACQUIAO FIGHT ... If you're a boxing fan, you probably know that on Saturday, boxer MANNY PACQUIAO collected his seventh title belt by defeating MIGUEL COTTO to win the WBO Welterweight Championship.

But it turns out Pacquiao's win wasn't just a victory for his native country, the Philippines. It was also a victory for the Irish.


Last month, a 79-year-old Irish priest named Michael Sinnott was doing missionary work in the Philippines. But he was kidnapped by a group of rebels called the Moro Islamic Liberation Front.

The kidnappers requested a $2 MILLION ransom for Michael's release, but they never received a dime. Still, they released him last Thursday anyway. Why? Because according to the reverend, the rebels wanted to go watch the Pacquiao fight on TV, and nobody wanted to stay behind to keep an eye on him. So instead, they let him go.

IDIOT CALLS 9-1-1 FOR PHONE SEX ... 29-year-old Joshua Basso of Tampa, Florida, called 911 five times on Wednesday. And each time, the dispatcher hung up on him.

That's because during the series of calls, Joshua started asking the operator really inappropriate questions. Plus, it's pretty apparent from the audio he was doing UNSPEAKABLE THINGS HIMSELF the entire time.

15 minutes after his last call, the cops showed up at Joshua's door and arrested him for misusing 9-1-1. Oh, if you're wondering why Joshua didn't call a phone sex line like every other horny loser who doesn't have Internet access, it's because his cell phone was out of minutes and he knew it was free to call 911.

AS HEARD ON THE SHOW: A portion of one of the calls ...

DOH ... Last week, 911 dispatchers received a call from a cell phone. Since no one responded on the other end of the line, they figured it was just an accidental call, which it was.

But instead of hanging up, the dispatcher listened to the conversation in the background, and heard 43-year-old Mark Clair and 42-year-old Shannon McAlister of Yukon, Oklahoma, discussing their strategy for SELLING DRUGS. Doh!

Police tracked the call, and were able to pinpoint Mark and Shannon's location using GPS technology. They were both arrested and charged with a long list of crimes including possession of controlled dangerous substances and intent to distribute narcotics.

REAL MAN OF GENIUS ... Monday night, 911 dispatchers received a call from 38-year-old Mark Anthony Johnson, in Tyler, Texas. Mark reported that he'd just MURDERED someone and that he was still armed with a weapon.

Naturally, several officers headed over to the location Mark had given them, with sirens flashing. But when they got there, Mark told them that he had LIED to the dispatcher.

He hadn't actually murdered someone . . . he HIMSELF had been assaulted. He just wanted the cops to get there as fast as possible. Instead, the cops charged Mark with filing a false report, arrested him, and threw him in jail

JESUS MADE HIM DO IT ... Police in Louisville, Kentucky, said a man found with drug paraphernalia claimed he was set up by Jesus Christ.

Officers performing a home check on 52 year old Craig Dunn - who is on house arrest for a parole violation - said they discovered a tube of aluminum foil burnt on one end and a teaspoon with burns and possible drug residue.

Police said Dunn told them Jesus was attempting to set him up and was the probable owner of the items. Dunn is facing a drug paraphernalia charge. Jesus was cleared of all charges.

WHAT A CROCK OF MEEP ... A Danvers, Massachusetts, high school sent out an automated message to all of its student's parents alerting them of the banning of the word "meep" in their school because, apparently, the students were using the word to disrupt classes and it was also part of an online ploy to disrupt school functions.

Students caught using the word may face suspension depending on the usage. "It has nothing to do with the word," Principal Thomas Murray said. "It has to do with the conduct of the students. We wouldn't just ban a word just to ban a word."

It's unclear what meaning "meep" has, other than it is a the Muppet Beaker uses it, and it's a popular thing for kids to say when they are at a loss for something to say, according to various Web sites.

MEN ONLY BUY THEIR OWN UNDERWEAR WHEN THEY DON'T HAVE A WOMAN TO DO IT FOR THEM ... According to the study, the average guy allows his mother to buy his underwear until he's about 19 years old. After that, he'll start buying his own underwear.

But once he hits the age of 23, the average guy's underwear buying starts to decline. And by the age of 33, hardly any men buy their own underwear anymore. Why? Because men in their 20s and 30s tend to be in relationships. And when they're in one, they let their lady do all the underwear shopping.

Underwear buying picks up again between the ages of 38 and 40 because that's the age when a lot of men are going through breakups and divorces. But by the age of 44, underwear buying once again drops to almost zero.

So let me break it down for you ladies: If you want your guy to get new underwear, you're probably going to have to take the initiative and buy it yourself. Because if you leave it up to him, he'll just wear the same old, nasty underwear until it falls apart.

YOU SNOOZE, YOU LOSE ... An unidentified 35-year-old man in Perth, Australia was found snoozing Sunday morning with a lock-breaking wire in one hand and the other end of the wire in the door! There's really no way to talk yourself out of that compromising position, is there?

In the understatement of the day, police spokesman Samuel Dinnison, said quote, "He obviously had a long night."

Police found keys on the guy that opened a car parked nearby that was filled with prescription drugs linked to an earlier burglary of a pharmacy.

BANANA NUT ... 51 year old Lloyd Virgil Barclay, of Pennslyvania managed to rob a bank with a banana, which he hid in his pocket and pretended was gun! He gave a note to the teller demanding cash and inferred that he was armed and didn't want to hurt her. The teller handed over $800 and then the man made like a banana and split.

And he may have gotten away with it too, had he not left his wallet on the bank counter! DOH!

A GUY FORGOT TO ROLL DOWN HIS WINDOW BEFORE COMMITTING A DRIVE-BY ... At around 2 A.M Monday, 20-year-old Andrew Burwitz of Appleton, Wisconsin got into his car and committed two DRIVE-BY SHOOTINGS.

One of the homes he shot up belonged to the family of his ex-girlfriend. The other he apparently picked at random. Fortunately, no one was injured.

But the real beauty of this story is that before he started shooting, this bonehead forgot to roll down the window. And when he pulled the trigger, the glass shattered all over the street. So the police collected the broken glass and brought it to a bunch of different auto glass repair shops in the area. Eventually, they happened upon one that had replaced Andrew's window as part of an insurance claim.

Long story short, he's being held on $25,000 bond. The cops think alcohol may have been a factor. Yeah. And STUPIDITY.

EXCUSE OF THE WEEK ... A 42-year-old man was arrested in a Collier County, Florida, Wal-Mart parking lot after two women accused him of flashing them. The man was sitting naked in his truck and apparently stood up when the women walked by.

David Napodano told arresting officers that he was naked because he had "explosive diarrhea."

MIS-USE OF 9-1-1 ... A 34-year-old Clarksville, Tennessee, woman was arrested after she called 911 because her boyfriend wouldn't marry her.

Hee Orama told dispatchers that her boyfriend had lied to her about tying the knot. Cops responded to her multiple calls and warned her not to call again. Naturally, she called again. She was issued a citation and taken to jail.

DRUNKEN DELIVERY ... A letter carrier in Boynton Beach, Florida was found passed out over the wheel of his mail truck Wednesday in a drunken stupor.

Police were initially called because someone spotted the slumped mailman and thought he had a medical problem. But cops soon discovered the real problem. Kevin Crocilla, 29, tested three times over the legal alcohol limit.

Crocilla slurred to police that he had been drinking wine all night and then drank half a bottle of mouthwash to cover it up before going to work that day. "He stated he was delivering one piece of mail to each person," police spokeswoman Stephanie Slater said. "He fell asleep during the conversation."

Police slapped him with a DUI. That's DUI for Delivering Under the Influence. You gotta give him props for sticking to the mailman's creed. You know ... neither rain nor shine nor bottles of wine ... or something like that.

ANOTHER GENIUS CALLS 9-1-1 ... When calling 911 to request police assistance, you should A) know your own address and B) not be calling because your stash of weed was stolen.

Von Powell, 22, of Florida, told dispatchers that two men broke into his house and robbed him at gunpoint. After being questioned by the dispatchers, they discovered that Powell had waited nearly an hour to report the theft and he had no idea where he lived. This is what pot does to your brain, kids.

Police eventually found Powell by driving around his Green Leaf neighborhood. He lived in Green Leaf??? Sometimes the comedy writes itself!

"He let the responding deputies know that he was sitting on the couch drinking a beer, watching a movie and smoking a blunt," a deputy said.

TEENAGE REAL MEN OF GENIUS' IN THE MAKING ... Two teenage Rhode Island boys cut class on Monday and broke into a home to steal some game systems before heading back to school. But they left one key piece of evidence behind - one of their homework assignments.

When officers responded to the robbery, they found it next to the basement window, right near where the teens broke in. They used the name on the assignment to track down the two 15-year-olds and arrest them. And to add insult to injury, they no doubt got an 'Incomplete' for not turning in their homework.

A DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADER DRESSED UP IN BLACKFACE FOR HALLOWEEN ... A Dallas Cowboys cheerleader named Whitney Isleib - who's white . . . and I’m only adding that because it’s important to the story - because Whitney dressed up for Halloween as rapper LIL WAYNE.

She wore a wig of long braids, a mouth grill, and fake tattoos on her arms and face. And in order to REALLY sell the costume, Whitney covered her entire body in dark paint so she'd appear African-American. According to a spokesman for the Dallas Cowboys, quote, "We are aware of the images and we are handling it internally." It's unclear whether she’ll be removed from the squad.
IDIOT STABBED HIMSELF SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK ... 29-year-old Aaron Siebers of Edgewater, Colorado was walking to work at Blockbuster Video on Monday when he was attacked by three men and stabbed in the leg.

At least that's what Aaron told the cops while his wound was being stitched up at the hospital. The TRUTH is Aaron didn't want to go to work that day so he came up with the bright idea to ditch by STABBING HIMSELF in the lower leg. (!!!)

Yup. Aaron stabbed himself in order to get out of going to work at Blockbuster. If he's convicted, he could get up to two years in prison.